


Solace in the Darkness

by nicostolemybones



Category: Percy Jackson and the Olympians - Rick Riordan
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Depression, Existential Crisis, I do my best to put trigger warnings for each chapter, I do not want to be responsible for that, I'd rather have less hits then triggered readers, M/M, Nico and Will do not die, Nico di Angelo/Will Solace Fluff, Nico is in a bad depressive episode, Realism, Realistic depression, Solangelo angst, Survivors Guilt, actual good care of somebody with depression, and please don't read this to trigger yourself, bad mental health/ crisis point situations, based on my experiences with death and existential crises and anxiety as well as what i studied, based on real experiences of depression and based on my psychology studies at uni, boundary respect, but the general fic idea and tags should be a warning, but they do help each other to cope, complete anxious breakdown, death tw, don't read anything by anyone that will distress you, everything is not cured just because they're together, good care for somebody who is anxious, if you are likely to be triggered by mental illness or death, mental health tw, mention of young death, nico helps will through overwhelming anxiety, no self harm or suicide, nobody is healing anybody, not everybody has the same experiences so always listen to the individual of how best to help, so it may not be the best thing for you to read, solangelo, the death is a camper, then this fic is likely to trigger you, will helps nico recover, will loses a patient
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-08
Updated: 2019-12-29
Packaged: 2020-04-19 17:33:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 27,293
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19137424
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nicostolemybones/pseuds/nicostolemybones
Summary: Nico has been struggling through a severe depressive episode and Will encourages his recovery.After losing a camper, Will struggles with anxiety, guilt, and existential meltdowns, Nico supports him through it.Nobody heals anybody or fixes anybody, because that's not a healthy expectation for a relationship, it creates a dependency and a lot of pressure. So this isn't where they magically cure each other with hugs and make promises they can't keep without exhausting themselves. But they do help and support each other as much as they possibly can.I do not give permission for my work to appear on any apps nor do I consent to my work being reposted anywhere. If you see my work outside of my tumblr or outside of any blogs/accounts I mention in my fics, please report/contact them or inform me. If you report them, do not report as if it were your own work.My tumblr is @nicohasahappymeal





	1. I'll care for you when you can't care for yourself

Will gently knocked on the Hades cabin door, but again, there was no response apart from a very faint “leave me alone.” By now, Nico had refused to leave his cabin for a week, and in the last month, Will had only seen him walking around camp twice. Will had respected his privacy, but by now, Will was worried. Everybody else seemed to think that he must have been on a quest for his dad, but Will wasn’t so sure, because the times he had seen Nico around, he’d looked... like he was barely there anymore. Will hadn’t had much chance to see Nico, between covering Kayla’s twelve hour infirmary shifts as well as his own, Will barely had a chance to leave the infirmary, sleeping in the on-call room for four hours at most some days, and when he did have time out of the infirmary, he was needed in his role as head counsellor after a demeter kid was found hysterically screaming in the strawberry fields, thick vines and thorns stopping people from getting too close. 

So Will hadn’t been able to see Nico, and he hated that he hadn’t checked on him more, but he was stretched thin between his different responsibilities and he barely had time to look after himself. Will knocked on the door again, and Nico didn’t say anything. “Neeks,” he called gently, “Neeks, it’s me. I’m gonna come in now, okay?” A barely audible whine told Will that although Nico wasn’t up for visitors, something was wrong. Will waited for a good few seconds, before he finally pushed open the door. The room was dimly lit, and the room was surprisingly neat- but too neat, like it hadn’t been lived in. Nico was curled up in his bed, lying on his side and staring blankly at the wall. He blinked slowly when Will put a gentle hand on his shoulder. “Neeks,” Will began softly, “what’s wrong?” Nico binked slowly in response, and Will could have sworn he looked ready to cry. There were dried tear tracks on his cheeks, some running sideways from the way he’d been lying. The skin around his eyes and his nostrils was irritated and red from the tears, and his lips were chapped, like he’d barely kept himself hydrated. Will crouched by his bed, gently moving some hair out of Nico’s face, earning the tiniest of smiles. Nico’s expression looked so pained, so pleading that it reminded Will of a wounded calf, and for a moment Will was scared that Nico would beg him to put him out of his misery, because it was so clear in his expression that Nico was so full of pain and sadness, and it had a strong grip on him. 

Nico had never been suicidal as such, dealing in death all the time seemed to have taught him that suicide wouldn’t help at all, but that didn’t make him immune to falling into such a desperate state of depression that being awake would be painful and near too much to bare. Will had seen Nico like this before, and it was distressing, because he was so broken, so low, so pained that he could barely function. Will picked up Nico’s hand, a grey tint taking over, his nails longer and dirty, and he smelled of sweat. Will wondered how long it had been since he’d showered. It had probably been a week. Nico also had a scattering of stubble across his jaw, and a wispy, fuzzy scattering of finer hairs on his upper lip too. “Come on, Neeks,” Will said gently, reaching out to stroke Nico’s hair, “you need to get out of bed, okay? You don’t have to go out today, but do you think you can at least sit up for me? We can talk, or you can stay quiet if you’d prefer, but can you at least sit up, get out from under the covers? You can borrow my hoodie instead, it’s nice and warm and it’s clean, okay?” Nico nodded, moving to roll onto his front, slowly pushing himself up on his hands, but it seemed to take him so long to get up, like he had no energy left, his arms shaking as he managed to eventually sit up, pushing his covers off and leaning against the wall and the headboard, bringing his knees to his chest and curling in on himself. Will took his hoodie off and helped Nico into it, and Nico remained expressionless. Nico slowly pulled up the hood and curled the ends of the sleeves around his hands, burying them in the pocket at the front and pushing his knees inside the hoodie too so it hugged pretty much his whole body, stretching out. 

Will moved to sit on the bed besides him, and gently pulled Nico into a hug. Nico didn’t resist, burying his face in Will’s shoulder and sniffling, crying silently, his sobs barely noticeable as though he lacked the energy to cry. Will blinked back his own tears, because it was like Nico was barely there at all, like he’d lost himself completely to his depression. It didn’t take long for his breathing to even out, and Will thought that Nico might fall asleep, so he pulled a blanket over the two of them- he had no idea if Nico had gotten enough sleep or not, and he knew himself that you weren’t sad when you were asleep, and after a day of struggling, overwhelmed by the pit deep inside, sleep felt like the only was to ease the pain. But Will also knew how hard it was to wake up, because it meant facing a pain so deep it hurt so much to open your eyes and face being awake again. Will stayed there, with Nico in his arms, for a few hours, until Nico shifted, and Will looked down to see him staring blankly again. 

“Morning, sunshine,” Will said gently, although he wasn’t sure what time it was himself, “why don’t you go to the bathroom, okay, then can you go over your hands and face with a washcloth for me?” Nico nodded, eventually standing up, leaning on the headboard. His legs were shaking slightly and he was uneasy on his feet, like he’d barely moved from his bed in a while. He walked so slowly, leaning on the walls for support before disappearing into the bathroom. Will took the opportunity to look around Nico’s room, see any signs of- well, living. There were empty crisp packets and chocolate wrappers scattered on the floor, some half eaten and gathering the attention of beetles. There were a few empty bottles of water too, but that was it. Will picked all of it up, putting it in the trashcan on the other side of the room, When Nico returned, he looked so exhausted it looked like he hadn’t slept at all, but he seemed a little refreshed, perhaps calmer. 

“Why don’t you come sit back down, Neeks, and you can just sit there whilst I brush your hair for you, okay?” Nico slowly made his way back to the bed sitting slouched in the middle of it and pulling the blanket around himself. Will found Nico’s hairbrush and pulled the hood of the hoodie down, and it was matted so badly Will felt as though shaving it would be easier than brushing it, because it was so knotted Will wasn’t sure if it could be detangled. He started to gently separate it at the ends, trying to at least separate it into strands to make it more manageable, but it seemed far too tangled. Will kept trying to gently separate it with his hands, trying to be as gentle as possible as he worked through the knots, but some of them just wouldn’t budge and Nico kept wincing. “Okay, Neeks, this is gonna take a while, okay? I’ll be as gentle as possible, just raise your hand when you need to take a break.” Nico nodded, and Will gently began to tease the knots open with the hairbrush, starting at the bottom. 

It took three and a half hours to finally detangle his hair to the point the brush could glide through relatively easily, and Nico was softly crying from the pain it caused in his scalp. Will’s fingers felt greasy from the hair, but he didn’t care- he had to help Nico. “Okay, Neeks, why don’t you go and get a shower? I’ll lay some fresh clothes for when you get out, okay?” Nico shook his head, curling up into Will’s chest again. He fell asleep for just under an hour this time, crying in his sleep for half of that time. “Come on, Neeks,” Will said soothingly, “how about we go take a nice warm shower? I’ll help you wash your hair and your back, okay? You can lean against me if you need to and I’ll do all the work, then we’ll get you in some nice fresh clothes, and I’ll give you a shave, I know you don’t like getting stubble because it itches, doesn’t it?” Nico thought for a moment and nodded, and Will helped him up, carefully closing the bathroom door behind him. 

He helped Nico out of his clothes and removed his own, turning the shower on and getting the sponges and soaps ready. Nico joined him, resting his face in Will’s shoulder, his hands balled loosely against Will’s chest, eyes closed. Will washed his hair first, carefully massaging the shampoo into his scalp and brushing it through the lengths with his fingers, careful to catch any that dripped down his face so it didn’t go into his eyes before he gently washed Nico’s back, rubbing in small circles as he went along, washing his sides and his arms and lifting his arms so he could wash the sweat from his armpits too. He turned Nico around, Nico resting his back heavily against Will’s chest, Will leaning against the back of the shower as he gently scrubbed Nico’s chest and stomach. “I’m gonna do your legs now, is that okay,” Will asked gently, and Nico nodded. Will knelt on the shower floor and began to carefully wash Nico’s legs, Nico resting his hands on Will’s shoulders for stability. “Okay, Nico,” Will said eventually, “you’re gonna have to wash the rest, okay, then you’re done and you can get into some clean clothes, I’ll step out of the shower and turn around whilst you wash the rest and I’ll get dried and dressed.” Nico nodded and Will stepped out of the shower, turning around and towelling himself off before quickly putting his clothes on. Once he heard the water shut off, he turned around and handed Nico a towel, but Nico just rested his head on Will’s shoulder again, so Will helped him to dry off, wrapping the towel around Nico’s almost shoulder length hair and helping him into fresh clothes- fresh underwear and a set of soft cotton pyjamas, grey with skulls on them and loose but not baggy. 

Will had already set up everything he needed to shave Nico’s face,and Nico trusted him enough to let him do it for him. Will was far more cautious than he usually was with his own face- in fact, Will was usually in a rush and reckless, he’d cut himself shaving all the time, but he was extra careful to avoid accidentally hurting Nico. Once he’d shaved Nico’s face he cut Nico’s nails with the clippers, and Nico offered no resistance, letting Will take care of him. 

“Feel better now, more refreshed?” Will asked, and Nico nodded. 

“Yeah,” he replied quietly, and Will smiled softly, because Nico looked more relaxed, a little less sad at the moment. 

“How about we go and get you something to eat, sunshine? Something nice and light, nothing too heavy, maybe some pasta or some rice or some toast?”

“I don’t wanna go out,” Nico announced softly, and Will nodded. 

“I’ll bring the food to you, how about I build us a blanket fort after you eat the toast, and we can sit and talk for a while, eh?”

“I don’t want you to leave,” Nico pleaded, looking like he was on the verge of tears. 

“That’s okay,” Will said, “but you really need to eat something proper, so at some point I’m gonna have to leave the cabin, you can come with me, it’ll only be a short walk.”

“I feel sick, ‘m not hungry,” Nico complained as Will sat them both on the second bed in the cabin, his arm around Nico who seemed to have claimed Will’s hoodie as his own now. 

“I know, Nico, but the less you eat, the more sick you’ll feel, and you’re gonna get really ill, you’ve already lost some weight and that isn’t healthy, Neeks, you need to keep on top of your eating before this becomes a serious problem.”

“I’ve been eating,” Nico protested, and Will shook his head. 

“You can’t survive on chocolate and crisps, it’s nowhere near enough. I know that after living homeless for so long and Tartarus and being trapped in the jar that you weren’t able to eat much, and I know that your stomach isn’t used to big portions and stuff, but we need to work on that, okay?”

“I know,” Nico pleaded, “but I don’t want to leave the cabin and I don’t want you to leave yet, please Will.”

“I’m here,” Will soothed, “I’ll stay, but I really will need to get you food at some point, tell me when you’re ready, yeah?”

“Okay,” Nico said quietly, putting his legs over Will’s to curl up closer into his chest. Will placed a gentle kiss on his temple, taking the towel off Nico’s hair and gently running his fingers through the damp tresses. Shorter hairs around his ears and the back of his neck curled, the rest frizzy but smooth and silky. Will tucked it behind his ear and Nico shivered slightly at the touch, which made Will smile affectionately. “I love you, Will,” Nico said gently, “and I don’t say it enough.”

“That’s okay,” Will said softly, “I know how much you love me. And I love you too, so much, okay? You mean the world to me, and I really want you to be okay, and I’m here to help you be okay, but you have to work with me on this too. I know it’s difficult and I know you can’t just cheer up, but you need to stay on top of your self care for me, and we need to find you a healthy coping mechanism for when you’re low so you don’t develop unhealthy ones. I know it’s hard to find any motivation to take up a hobby, but we’ll figure something out, okay? For now, we need to focus on getting you some food when you’re ready, we can stay here and just cuddle as long as you need, okay?”

“Thank you, Will,” Nico whispered, curling up against Will’s side.

"I'll care for you when you can't care for yourself," Will said softly as Nico drifted back to sleep.


	2. I'm here for you to lean on when you can't walk on your own

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nico has a nightmare, Will reflects on depression

“Will,” Nico called quietly, clutching the fabric of Will’s shirt tightly in his hands.

“I’m right here, Neeks,” Will replied softly, running his fingers through Nico’s hair gently. 

“Will,” Nico repeated, and Will realised that he was still asleep, and he was crying, kicking out with his legs. 

“Neeks, I’m here,” Will whispered softly, kissing his temple, but Nico jerked violently in his sleep, his elbow almost hitting Will in the face, and Will just about managed to catch Nico before he rolled off the bed. Nico continued to cry out in his sleep, shadows slowly creeping up his hands and wrapping in tendrils around his body. 

“No,” Nico mumbled frantically, “don’t wanna go, don’t wanna…”

“Neeks,” Will called urgently, but Nico continued to thrash and twist, and at this point, it was dangerous for Will to stay where he was, so he carefully climbed off the bed and watched in distress- he had no idea how to help Nico. All Will knew about night terrors like this was not to try to wake somebody, which broke Will’s heart, because Nico kept crying out and whimpering and he looked like he was fighting in his sleep, and worse, Will had no idea what he was dreaming about, what triggered the night terror, or how to take his pain away. Will found himself with a ball of distress and nausea forming in the pit of his stomach, because he couldn’t do anything to help, he could only watch as his heart shattered into pieces. Will found himself fighting back tears, helplessly waiting for Nico to wake up. He knew he couldn’t do anything to help, and that was the worst, because watching Nico like this, seeing him screaming out in his sleep and hysterically sobbing, all because of a dream, made Will feel such a dull pain in his chest, like he’d been punched until he had no air left in his lungs. Then Will remembered that the feeling he had in that moment was probably the feeling Nico was fighting every single day of his life. 

Will could understand how Nico could end up in such a state of self neglect. Will struggled with depression too- but his was classed as mild, moderate when things got bad, but Nico had a very severe case of depression. Will knew what people said behind his back, about how Nico must be faking it or exaggerating just because Nico didn’t cut or try to end his own life. People saying how it was all an act for sympathy because they’d never seen him cry, because he still joined in the campfire songs and trained. Because he still smiled and laughed. It’s like people thought that depression meant spending every waking moment crying in public and planning your own death, as though it had to be the worst case of depression for it to be valid. Will knew himself how depression felt- even if he’d never been in the state Nico was, it didn’t mean that he didn’t suffer from depression. He was doing okay at the moment, coping well- maybe that was a lie, but he was still functioning enough to get out of bed and keep on top of… some self care. Nobody apart from Nico knew that Will had been diagnosed with depression, because Will knew that if he said anything about it, or his anxiety, that people would doubt his capacity as a doctor, doubt his decision making and his competence. There were some older campers who had figured out that Will wasn’t always okay- because they’d seen him when he first came to camp, bouncy and full of energy and enthusiastic. Will seemed so calm because he’d learned to hide the panic, and because the depression had sucked out all of the energy he once had. So to those who knew him before, they could tell he’d changed, but to most people, he was a calm combat medic who made everybody feel better and smiled and glowed and radiated happiness. And Nico knew depression better than anyone, knew how it felt to have such a darkness building up inside with no outlet. 

Nico had once compared his depression to being trapped in the labyrinth- because no matter where he turned, there was darkness, and each turn felt like a trap, each decision seemed to make everything so much worse, and there seemed to be no escape, no matter where he turned, until the darkness had become all he knew, until he forgot what healthy felt like, until he’d lost his hope bit by bit, until it crumbled away and left him with no torch to navigate. It felt like hopelessness, like being lost in the dark with no light and no way out, like giving up would be so much easier, like he’d travelled miles barefoot on broken glass only to find himself confronted with broken nails and rusted spikes. Pushing onwards felt more painful, more difficult than anything, except there were no breaks, you kept walking like a zombie until you died. But Nico pushed on, out of sheer spite. He wasn’t going to lose himself to the darkness and slip into the shadows. He wasn’t going to let it destroy him ahd take him away. He wasn’t going to let it kill him. Nico faught despite being broken because no matter how hopeless, he wouldn’t let the darkness destroy him. 

Depression was exhausting for Will- even when he wasn’t physically tired, he would be mentally exhausted. It made him numb, like how your fingers felt in the cold, except it wasn’t cold, and everything felt the same, especially his mind. It felt like everything was screaming out somewhere in his mind, but all Will could do was smile and say he was fine, because it was easier than explaining to people how somewhere within him was a coil of energy, a mind full of colours, a room full of happiness and laughter, but he was standing on the outside, watching through the window alone, stood outside in the warm spring rain with his hoodie and an umbrella. Time was a mystery- weeks could pass by, but hours felt like days. It felt like he was walking on a treadmill trying to get to comfort, just it felt like he wasn’t walking, like he was so used to it that he was on autopilot, like he could walk for hours without realising how tired he was because he was always exhausted, and he always felt not quite there- in a limbo somewhere between spacing out and dissociation, suffocating and drowning in an unending pit of nothingness. 

So Will did know how it felt to be depressed. But Will could function, could manage self care, manage to maintain a steady role in the infirmary even when he was hardly coping. So seeing Nico in such a state had shocked him and worried him, because Will couldn’t figure out how it had spiralled and snowballed out of control to such an extent. But now, the dull pain in his chest that refused to shift, that crushing feeling like there was a heavy weight on his chest, the lump in his throat that felt like it would labour his breathing if he didn’t cry, like everything was too much to bear- that feeling was something Nico felt almost all the time, especially at times like this. Nico was at crisis point, struggling with severe depression and presenting with a lot of symptoms of PTSD- Will was sure Nico would eventually be diagnosed with that too- and Nico wasn’t functioning. Will wasn’t sure how it had come to this, or even when it had started to get bad, because Nico liked to hide it, and he hid it well most of the time. 

Nico liked to be alone, used to his own company, but he’d told Will that being alone gave him space to process his thoughts and feelings without worrying people, like how easy it would be to let the shadows take him, how at his worst the only thing stopping him from letting the shadows claim him was memories of Tartarus- Nico was sure he’d be going there. Will knew that he wouldn’t, but Nico’s fear of Tartarus kept him alive sometimes. Nico thought about everything he’d been through, everything painful, from losing Bianca to the years of self hate, but he’d remind himself of the progress he’d made, the people he’d become close to. Nico said he thought of Will, and how being with Will made him feel alive, made him feel like he was in the sunlight, made him feel hope. When Nico was alone, he allowed himself to feel everything without having to worry about people seeing him cry, without worrying people with his darker thoughts, without worrying about being judged. 

Will turned his attention back to Nico, silently chastising himself for going off on a tangent and not paying attention to his boyfriend. Will pulled the chair from Nico’s desk and sat beside the bed, moving Nico’s hair away from his face and tucking it gently behind his ear. He seemed to be coming round from the night terror, just about twitching and whimpering at this point. Will watched as the scowl set on his face slowly melted away, his ragged breathing evening out slowly, and Will thought he looked like an angel, so peaceful and innocent. But more importantly, he looked at peace, any trace of the pain he went through dissolved. Nico stayed asleep for another ten minutes, slowly opening his eyes. His peaceful expression quickly changed into a panicked one as he sat up sharply, calling out for Will frantically before tugging at his hair and rocking. 

“Neeks,” Will began softly, concern laced in his voice, “Neeks, love, it’s me, it’s Will.”

“Will,” Nico whimpered, clutching his blanket as though letting go of it would bring everything crashing back down. 

“It’s okay, Neeks,” Will soothed, opening his arms to offer Nico a hug. Nico shook his head, sitting up straighter with his back against the headboard. 

“I’m fine,” he insisted, but Will could tell he was lying by the way his breathing seemed to quicken, the empty look of panic in wild eyes, the way his eyes darted to the darker corners of his room, like he was hearing the shadows whisper to him. 

“Hey,” Will soothed gently, “It’s gonna be okay, Neeks, I’m here, I’m right here and I’m not going anywhere unless you ask me to, okay? It’s over now, you’re safe here with me, I promise. Swear on the Styx.”

“I… I’m fine, I’m okay. I’m… I’m okay,” Nico repeated, as though he was trying to reassure himself that he really was okay.

“You’re okay,” Will repeated, and Nico nodded, leaning forwards and resting his head in his hands, fingers lightly pulling at his hair. 

“I know, I’m fine, I just- I need a minute,” Nico replied, taking deep breaths. 

“That’s okay, Neeks, do you need me to give you some space?”

“Please,” Nico nodded, pausing for a second, “sorry.”

“You’ve nothing to be sorry for, okay? I’ll go get you some toast from the dining pavilion, then I’ll be back, okay? Are you gonna be okay if I leave you on your own?”

“Yeah,” Nico replied, momentarily looking over to him, “thanks, Will.”

“It’s no problem, Death Boy,” Will replied, giving Nico a lopsided smile before leaving the cabin to get him something to eat.

Will took the time to swing by the Apollo cabin first, freshening up in the bathroom and changing into some new clothes, hoping to sneak out before anybody noticed that he’d been missing all night- although it seemed he’d have no such luck- he turned around to see Kayla and Austin stood by the door, arms folded. “Where were you last night,” Austin prodded, and Will shrugged awkwardly, and Kayla raised her eyebrows in question. 

“Fine,” Will huffed, “I uh… got lost!”

“You got lost?” Kayla repeated in disbelief. 

“Yeah, uh… in the uh… the…. I got lost in the woods!”

“Sure you did,” Austin replied, sarcasm cutting thick. 

“Where were you, William,” Kayla prodded sternly, and Will laughed nervously. 

“I was um- I was just- in the inf-”

“Solace, cut the crap man,” Austin interrupted, “where were you last night?”

“I was um- I was with someone,” Will replied, and Kayla and Austin both made surprised noises. 

“Oh my gods Will,” Kayla lectured, “you’re like- fifteen, you dirty stop-out! Do you know how much trouble you’re gonna get into? If you got a girl pregnant-”

“No no,” Will protested, feeling his cheeks and the tips of his ears burn red, “not-” Will laughed nervously, running a hand through his hair and rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly, “not like that!”

“Oh really,” Austin questioned disbelievingly.

“Really, I swear,” Will protested frantically, “I didn’t sleep with anyone! We just uh- we just talked! We didn’t even kiss or anything, just talked!”

“Holy Hera, you have a girlfriend,” Kayla gasped.

“Who is she, man,” Austin prodded, “do we know her?”

“Uh, gotta run, sorry guys, uh, medical emergency! Bye,” Will panicked, jogging out of the cabin. He quickly picked up breakfast for himself and Nico, before heading back to the Hades cabin, leaning against the door as he closed it. “Holy crap, Neeks,” he panted, “I got interrogated by Kayla and Austin, they think I was with a girl all night, as in, you know, doing things.”

“Ew,” Nico protested quietly, fiddling with the hem of his blanket. 

“I brought you toast,” Will said gently, “it’s light on your stomach and it’s still warm.”

“Thanks,” Nico replied, reaching out and taking a piece. 

“How are you feeling,” Will asked, reaching out towards his hand. Nico moved his hand closer to Will’s, indicating that he was okay with holding hands, and Will threaded their fingers together, rubbing his thumb across the back of Nico’s knuckles before raising his hand to his lips, pressing a gentle kiss there. 

“I’m fine, Will,” Nico said quietly, giving him a faint smile. Will knew that Nico was far from fine, because his voice was laced with pain and desolation, but Will also knew that Nico meant that he would be okay, that although he wasn’t fine, he felt able to cope better today. 

“I love you, Nico,” Will said gently, squeezing his hand lightly. “I’m here for you to lean on when you can’t walk on your own. You know, when times are tough and you need the support. I’m here for you.”

“I love you too, Will,” Nico replied, “I’m here for you too, you know.”

“I know,” Will smiled gently, “we’ll take care of each other.”


	3. I will be the light guiding you through the darkness, if only you'll let me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nico shares a memory

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: descriptions of violence and homophobia

“Do you feel like talking yet,” Will asked gently once Nico had finished eating. Nico shook his head, and Will could see the desolate expression behind his eyes, completely empty. This was far from the first depressive episode Nico had experienced, but every time, Will wondered if he’d ever recover, if this time he’d be unable to pull himself out of it, if he’d survive this one. There was such a pain behind his eyes, always like brown glass, vibrant and sparkling if you looked from afar, but dull up close, full of tears. There was a desperation behind them, in the way Nico’s brow furrowed in existential agony, the look of sheer exhaustion. It was times like now, watching Nico walk, that it was really visible, because he walked so slowly, like a zombie, slightly off-balance, like he was on auto-pilot, expressionless if you didn’t know him well enough to see the screaming inside. “Did your mood drop again?”

Nico blinked slowly and whined in response, like he wanted to cry but couldn’t, like he was too numb and too exhausted to cry. Eventually, Nico seemed to managed to speak, although his voice came out broken, quiet and defeated. “It was Tartarus,” he said quietly, taking a shaking breath, and Will didn’t say anything, letting Nico decide how much he would or wouldn’t say. “Can I- can I show you?” Will considered for a second and nodded- this wasn’t the first time Nico had shared parts of his nightmares with Will, so he knew what he was getting into. Nico still wouldn’t share the worst nightmares, but Will wanted to help, and the best way to help was to know. Nico took a few measured breaths and yelled in anguish. Barely a few seconds passed before the ripples of dizzying darkness had pulled Will into a strong memory. 

It was dark, hard to see, but straight away Will knew something was wrong- something about the stale air and the smell of brimstone seemed off, because it was like there was a breeze changing directions. He knew he was watching from Nico’s eyes, so he had no control over the way his body seemed to respond to the air movement, turning around sharply. A sharp pain seemed to come out of nowhere and hit the back of his head, and Will figured Nico must have passed out because suddenly there was gravel in his mouth, and everything was numb and throbbing. His sword was discarded just out of reach- stretching towards it sent a flare of pain jolting down his ribs, yet Nico still forced himself to grab his sword despite the pain. Speaking of, pain flared up his spine and all through his stomach and chest, like the sharp ache of fire- it was almost impossible to distinguish the source of such pain, if it weren’t for the glimpse of deep welts and slashes across the arm outstretched, which Will was sure probably covered his whole body- Will had seen the scars, although Nico had seldom opened up about how he acquired them. Will could understand why. Before he could reach the sword, a breath of what smelled like pure brimstone ghosted across his back with a low growl. Nico twisted and kicked up, managing to knock out a tooth of some kind of monster, but its jaws snapped on his foot. He let out a guttural scream and twisted- even in the memory, Will could feel the flesh rip as he twisted, but it was enough to twist out of the monster’s grasp. Nico lunged for his sword, and Will had no idea how he’d quite managed to find so much adrenaline to stand and swipe blindly at the monster- Will couldn’t see a thing in the memory, apart from the odd glow of embers in the thick air, or the eerie glow of the death mist shrouding every corner with unequivocally horrifying images of monsters and spirits that screamed and lashed out, but Nico didn’t respond to them- they weren’t real. He felt Nico’s sword finally make contact with something solid, the monster turned to dust.

That’s when light began to filter through from seemingly nowhere, and in the monster’s place lay the small figure of a girl, who couldn’t have been much older than twelve, covered in blood. She whimpered, rearing her head weakly and reaching her hand out. Will knew instantly that the girl was Bianca as Nico dropped to his knees, trying to cradle the dying girl in his arms. “Bianca…”

“You… you hurt me, brother…” she whimpered, “you’re a monster…”

“No no, you- you’re not real,” Nico protested, “Bianca chose rebirth-”

“I went to Tartarus for your sins, Nico,” Bianca said calmly, “this is all because of your perverted nature.”

“No,” Nico protested weakly, “Bianca you- you told me there was- there was nothing wrong-”

“You’re pathetic, Nico. How many more people have to suffer or die for you? Why do you think the monsters hunt you like game? Why do you think you were so compelled to jump into Tartarus? This is where you deserve to die, Niccolo, this is where you belong for all your sins. Mama would be ashamed of you.”

“Bianca, stop…” Nico protested weakly, “no, you- you’re not Bianca-” Bianca let out a wheezing cough, her mouth filling with blood as she took shallow breaths. 

“This should be you, Niccolo,” she rasped, “you can atone for your sins if you die by your own sword… you deserve to die like the perverted coward you are... go ahead, Niccolo, prove how weak you truly are… you should have died, not me, and father knows it...” Fake Bianca dissolved as the memory did, and Will felt nauseous. Nico was shaking, eyes cast down in shame. Will had to take a moment to take deep breaths, still reeling from the glimpse of a flashback he’d seen. Nico was sat rocking, holding his head in his hands and pressing down harshly, like he could squeeze out the bad memories. Will just wanted to wrap him in his arms and tell him that it was all going to be okay, that he didn’t deserve Tartarus, but Nico was touch averse, so Will figured it wouldn’t help much. He didn’t know what to say, so he said nothing. He moved to sit slightly closer to Nico, leaning his back against the wall, and the two sat in silence for a while. Nothing needed to be said between them, and nothing could be said. Sometimes, Will mused, a situation is so bleak that you simply can’t respond. You can’t help, you can’t sympathise, you can’t comprehend it. And sometimes, all you can do is show your solidarity by being by somebody’s side. You can’t fix everything, especially not somebody’s trauma, but you can be by their side whilst they work through things. 

“I can’t stand the dark,” Nico said eventually, his voice croaky and weak, “the shadows, they… they whisper to me, to join them, and the dark, it- it reminds me of Tartarus, and of the jar,” Nico explained, and Will hummed sympathetically to indicate that he was listening, and Nico could continue talking. “It makes me feel trapped and blinded, like anything could happen and I wouldn’t know until it was too late. I… I can’t sleep without a light, or walk about at night, because I get scared… it makes me feel vulnerable, like I’m a child all over again, except as a child I used to love to hide in the dark and jump out to scare Bianca… I liked that I could hide… the shadows used to make me feel safe, but now they make me feel exposed.”

“Hey,” Will began soothingly, reaching out towards Nico’s hand and waiting for Nico to take it in his own, “I will be the light guiding you through the darkness, if only you’ll let me.”

Nico blushed, a small smile tugging at the corners of his lips. “That’s corny, Solace, where did you get that, on the back of a greetings card?”

Will laughed softly, bumping shoulders with Nico. “I made it up just now,” he announced proudly, “maybe I should open up a greetings card business, maybe I could do t-shirts too.”

“Shut up, you idiot,” Nico said softly, and Will rested his head on Nico’s shoulder. He’d made Nico smile. And sure, it didn’t mean that Nico was okay now, or that Will could heal him, but it meant that, if only for a moment, Will had made Nico’s pain more bearable, had given him a reason to smile, and that was enough for Will.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry I took so long to update and sorry it's so short, hopefully I will begin to update faster


	4. I'll look after you when you need a shoulder to cry on

It was the third day of Will trying to help Nico through his depressive episode that Will admitted to himself that he couldn’t help Nico on his own. Nico still wasn’t ready to leave his cabin, and Will was having to remind Nico to look after himself, helping him however he could. But Will wasn’t a psychiatrist or a psychologist or a psychotherapist or a mental health nurse. He was a child, a teenage boy, who had been given the role of head counsellor and head medic despite having zero qualifications. But above all, he was Nico’s boyfriend. It wasn’t his job to heal Nico- after all, that would only make Nico’s recovery dependent on Will and his affections, and Nico’s recovery would live and die with Will- it would trap them both in a toxic dependency. Will’s job was to comfort Nico, to encourage recovery, not to fix him. It was Will’s job to help Nico to hold himself together for long enough to heal himself. 

So Will sought out help in the form of Dionysus, because after all- Nico needed help, and Will wasn’t the one who could provide that for him. However, Will also knew that Dionysus, as a general rule, at least pretended to not give a flying shit about campers as long as they were too miserable to become heroes. So naturally, Will was, through lack of a better word, terrified to ask for help, lest it turn out to be helpless. But he knew one thing; he was stubborn and he, as an Apollo kid with access to trombones, tubas, and sousaphones, who had exactly zero musical talent, could indeed be extremely annoying when he wanted to be, and he would always get his own way. He approached Dionysus whilst Chiron was with him, just so he’d have a witness to pressure Dionysus into helping. Or to stop him from turning Will into a dolphin. Will took a deep breath, and plucked up just enough courage to speak. Unfortunately, he was a dork with no communication skills, and he thoroughly embarrassed himself.

“Mr D, Sir, my main man, the big D, haha, um…” Will awkwardly aimed finger guns and a peace sign in Dionysus’s direction, laughing nervously. “What’s up?”

“Not you again,” Dionysus grumbled.

“Yep, it’s me again! So… turn anybody into dolphins recently?”

“Yes,” Dionysus replied, taking a long gulp of diet coke, mumbling, “not enough alcohol for this at this time of the morning.”

“Oh really,” Will asked, “So, who’d you turn into a dolphin?”

“You in a minute if you don’t shut up,” Dionysus grumbled.

“I need you to help Nico,” Will blurted, and Dionysus grunted.

“What’s the magic word?”

“Oh, uh… yeet?” Yeet? Really Will? Will couldn’t believe he’d said yeet and not please, so he did the only thing he could think of to save himself from further embarrassment. He dabbed.

“Christ almighty,” Dionysus muttered, and Will figured he must have embarrassed himself pretty hard to make a literal Greek god reference Jesus. “What’s wrong with Nicky?”

“Nico,” Will corrected, “and he’s so depressed I saw a spider yeet itself into my coffee.”

“I have no idea what that means,” Dionysus complained.

“I mean uh- he’s so sad that it’s making everything else sad. He’s… really sad,” Will explained, awkwardly adding more finger guns, because he was an awkward disaster bi like that.

“And what does that have to do with me,” Dionysus grunted, shrugging dismissively.

“I thought you might ask that,” Will began smugly, “which is why I’ve prepared several haikus-”

“Oh no,”

“Nico’s really sad, he will not get out of bed, please help him Mr D.”

“Gods grant me strength-”

“Another!”

“No-”

“My boyfriend has cried, he really really needs help, please help my boyfriend!”

“Okay, I’ll help Nicholas!”

“Nico!”

“Whatever,” Dionysus waved his hand dismissively, standing up, “take me to the tiny terror.” Will hurried back to the cabin, Dionysus behind him. 

Nico looked a mess. He was currently in a pillow fort Will had built the day before. It was supposed to be temporary, but Nico had established a nest, swathed in blankets. He’d managed to procure Will’s laptop, and was currently on his seventh hour of fortnite- or rather, staring at the screen and not doing anything. He had not moved at all, apart from to reach for the chocolate Will had given to him to take one chunk, but Nico had munched his way through two family sized bars. His hair was- through lack of a better description- a bird’s nest, matted again and sticking up like he’d stuck his finger in a plug socket. As much as Will loved him, the smell of sweat was a little bit on the strong side, and Will doubted he’d left his nest at all.

“Neeks,” Will began gently, crawling into the blanket fort. “Neeks, Dionysus wants to talk to you.”

“Tell him to fuck off, I’m busy,” Nico protested.

“No, he’s here to help you.”

“I don’t need help!”

“Nico, you’ve been in here all night. You have sweat patches on your tshirt and your hair probably has a spider’s nest in there somewhere. You haven’t showered. You haven’t eaten a full meal. When was the last time you even peed?”

“Ew. Five minutes ago.”

“You actually got up?” Nico shook his head and pointed to a bottle, and Will suppressed a gag. “This isn’t you, Nico,” Will said gently, “what happened to your dignity? The Ghost King doesn’t pee in bottles and wear sweaty clothes, does he? You’re losing yourself, Nico, this isn’t who you are. You know this isn’t how you’d choose to live if you were okay, Nico. I know you’re struggling, but you can’t live like this. You need help, because you’re losing who you are. You’re losing interest in everything you used to enjoy, you’re losing your dignity, you’re losing yourself.”

“I know,” Nico admitted weakly, “I need you, Will…”

“And I’m here for you,” Will said gently, “I’ll look after you when you need a shoulder to cry on. But I can’t be the only person you talk to, okay, I don’t know how to help you. So that’s why I’ve called on Dionysus. Please let him help?” Nico nodded slightly, curling further into his blanket mound. “I’ve got to go sit out as medic for capture the flag, I’ll be back afterwards.” Will gently kissed his forehead, and left Nico with Dionysus- after all, he was also the god of madness, and if he could help Chris, surely he could help Nico.

After an exhausting evening of capture the flag casualties, Will returned to find Dionysus had already left Nico’s cabin, and Nico was still in his nest. Will’s heart ached- he truly didn’t know how he was supposed to help Nico, because Nico was so averse to being helped. He climbed into the fort, curling up against Nico’s side. “I just want you to be okay, Nico,” he said gently, “I just want you to get better.”

“I’m okay, Will,” Nico whispered, “I’ll be okay.”

“Neeks, you’re struggling, please accept help, you can’t keep doing this,” Will begged, his voice cracking, and Nico wrapped his arms around Will. 

“I’m getting help, you’re helping me.”

“I can’t be the only person who helps you, Nico,” Will began honestly, “it’s not healthy for either of us. You need to accept that you need help, real help.”

“I know,” Nico whispered quietly, taking Will’s hand and rubbing his thumb over Will’s knuckles, “I know, and I’m getting help, I swear I’m trying, it’s just… I’m exhausted,” Nico explained, and Will breathed a sigh of relief, sending a silent prayer to the gods that Nico was accepting help.

“How did the talk with Dionysus go,” Will asked gently, pressing a kiss to Nico’s temple and brushing his hair behind his ear affectionately.

“He told me that… I’m holding myself back,” Nico explained, “that I’m trying so hard to suppress parts of me that I’m losing the rest of me in the process and I’m losing my confidence. He’d like me to confront at least one fear. He said it won’t make me better, but it might help me to heal a little. One mental wound at a time and all that.”

“Where are you gonna start? We could start with your fear of the dark?”

“I’m not ready for that,” Nico admitted, “but I think…” he took a deep breath, sitting up a little straighter and squeezing Will’s hand, “I think I’ve been battling with my sexuality for far too long now, and- I need to stop fighting who I am and denying it. It’s caused me a lot of pain in the past, and… making peace with that might help me to heal. So… I’m going to come out. To my father. Not to camp yet, I want to wait until you’re ready and come out together. But… my father and I… have a strained relationship. But he told me he wants me to be happy, so… if he accepts me great, if he doesn’t… well, I’m not surprised.”

“I think that’s very brave of you, Nico,” Will admitted, and Nico tilted his chin up for a kiss. Will gladly obliged, giving Nico a soft lingering kiss.


	5. I'm by your side when times are tough

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nico comes out to Hades

Will had shadow travelled before, and he’d treated some pretty gruesome wounds, and he was used to tripping over the odd skull from time to time, so he figured the underworld wouldn’t be scary at all.

He was wrong.

Everything was terrifying about the underworld. Or more specifically, the scenery wasn’t that terrifying, but the prospect of seeing where he’d go when he died and perhaps meeting that fate in a few minutes after meeting Nico’s father was terrifying. Will figured he was overusing the word terrifying, but well… it was terrifying. And if he was terrified, well… Nico was petrified. 

Nico was pale and gaunt and shaking- he didn’t look how a child should look when going to face his father. He looked like a man walking to the gallows to be hung, drawn, and quartered. His jaw was set rigid, like he was afraid to talk, to use his voice. His eyes were desperate and wild but set hard, his eyebrows slightly furrowed, like he was trying to hide how anxious he was. His breathing was shallow, and every step looked like it physically drained him. He looked like a man walking to an unavoidable fate, heading towards judge, jury, and executioner. Will wanted to reassure him, tell him that it was alright, that he didn’t have to do this now, that it was all going to be alright. But Will was afraid that if he was to talk, Nico would panic and break. He didn’t want to have the option to turn back. He’d decided his fate, and it wasn’t Will’s place to change his mind. Will feared that the slightest sudden movement, the slightest sound, would make something inside Nico snap, because he was a tightly wound coil of electric fear held in place from snapping by a single spiderweb silk thread.

Hades’s palace was imposing, and Will figured he might have appreciated the splendour of it if it weren’t for the circumstances. He couldn’t bring himself to focus on the gemstones or the delicate metalwork spirals and obsidian carvings. Instead he noticed how cold the place looked. Imposing walls, tall enough to make you almost forget you were in a room until you looked up, with hanging chandeliers that reminded him more of the sword of Damocles. Cold tourmaline floors, so cold you could feel it spreading further up with each step, the resounding echoes enough to make it feel like you couldn’t hide for long. At the same time, it seemed like a placed you could get lost in and a place you could never hide him. It felt like they were being watched, like there was an overbearing threat of death looming over you, and it wouldn’t be a matter of why or how, but rather when. It wasn’t a place for a child to have a weekend room in.

By the time they’d completed the walk to Hades’s room, the cold from the floor had reached Will’s chest, and he felt desolate and empty and frozen, like his soul was paralyzed. The ebony doors to the room were carved to look wooden, extravagant platinum and ruby doorknobs and solid gold inlays.The doors were so indescribably big and imposing, Will felt like he was being crushed by the weight of them before Nico had even knocked. He wondered if they would even have the strength to pull the doors open, or if they’d ever live to see this side of the doors again. Nico seemed to hesitate, his eyes downcast and his shoulders tensed up, yet he held himself like a prince, like he was royalty- and Will realised he was. He was Prince of the Underworld, Ambassador to Pluto, the Ghost King. But it didn’t make Will think of heroes and thrones and crowns. It felt like a punch to the chest, because nobody should need such formalities for an audience with their father. Just as Nico seemed to build up the courage to knock, taking a deep breath and raising his head, his fist raised to knock on the ebony doors, they began to creak open forebodingly

Will’s first thought was “I’m going to die.” His second thought was “I really need to pee.” Thankfully, he did neither. He almost fainted in terror upon seeing Hades, and he didn’t dare glance at Nico- he was sure if he so much as twitched he’d be disintegrated on the spot, exploding in a ray of sunlight and memories of who he once was. He felt so nauseated and unsettled he couldn’t focus on any defining features- he doubted he’d even be able to remember Hades’s face, apart from the cold sneer, and the eyes- oh gods the eyes stared into him, like Hades had already judged his soul and deemed him damned. For a second, Will considered if his mother had really been right about him being damned to go to Hell. 

“Father.”

“Nico.”

Will didn’t know whether he should speak, if he was allowed to speak, if he was permitted to remain silent. “L-Lord Hades,” he addressed, bowing politely. Hades curled his lip up in disgust, and Will looked down, eyes trained to the floor out of fear, as though so much as looking at him would seal Will’s fate. Will didn’t dare to move, not even when Nico began to take measured steps forwards. Nico walked with trained precision, each step strong and determined without making a sound. The rippling shadows pooling at his feet and dancing in snaking tendrils around his torso responded to each step with electric vigour, slithering and writhing across the floor and up Nico’s body like they were concealing something, which they were- it was like they were responding to Nico’s fear and vulnerability, protecting him and shrouding him in a blanket of darkness. Will felt rather isolated and vulnerable stood where he was by himself, so he took a deep breath and forced himself to fall into step beside Nico, straightening his back. Nico didn’t break his gaze with Hades so Will followed suit- as much as he felt like looking away, he trusted Nico to guide him and keep him safe. He realised in that moment that he trusted Nico with his life. Nico kneeled before the throne, looking down, and Will was quick to follow suit.

“Nico, who is this and what is he doing dirtying my floor with his presence?”

“A-about that, father,” Nico began, swallowing audibly before taking a deep breath, “I have an important matter with which to discuss with you, although I’m a little apprehensive to discuss such a matter given the proximity of the present company.”

Hades snapped his fingers and the statues dotted around the room dissipated- Will realised they must have been souls, ghosts, apparitions, whatever one could call them. “That doesn’t explain why this peasant is here,” Hades snarled, and Will tried his hardest not to tremble obviously. Of course, the more he tried, the worse he shook. 

“I will be getting to that, father,” Nico said, and Will noticed the meek tremble in his voice. It made Will think of the word pathetic, and how it had used to mean vulnerable, but was twisted and manipulated to mean weak and worthless. It reminded him of how he saw Nico, putting his heart on the line and bravely laying out his deepest vulnerability, whilst Hades looked at him like he was nothing, a cowardly disappointment. 

“Then get to the point, Nico,” Hades growled impatiently. Will saw the smallest flinch, barely noticeable, and noticed the terror in his eyes, the puce in his cheeks, fear and shame. Will wanted to reach out and take his hand, but Nico would most likely bolt.

“I will father, however this is a rather very personal matter and I do not wish to rush this nor do I wish to put it off for another day. I need a minute to figure out how to tell you. After all, I do not know whether I will be begging for your forgiveness and requesting that my place in Tartarus be delayed until I die of natural causes.” Will saw the faintest smile on Nico’s face, and Will couldn’t deduce whether it was a product of anxiety or a hint of sarcasm. But Will did note how small he felt like this despite Hades’s mortal size. It wasn’t right. It wasn’t how coming out was supposed to go. This wasn’t a welcoming environment, it wasn’t comfortable. Will felt like he might be crushed under Hades’s boot like a bug, and he figured Nico couldn’t be doing much better.

“Nico, you are wearing my patience thin, whittling it down into a point I am getting tempted to stab your friend with, so please, stop beating around the bush and tell me what it is you have done to disgrace my name this time!” Nico flinched harshly, and Will hadn’t realised he’d been holding his breath. 

“Father, I love the rougher sex like I should love the fairer sex,” Nico blurted, “I-... I’m gay,” He admitted, tensing up. He was shaking, trembling with fear, his voice cracking, his knee finally giving out as Nico collapsed to the floor, sitting defeated and slouched, ashamed, eyes trained to the floor and brimming with tears.

“Are you telling me you’re a homosexual?”

“I’m sorry,” Nico croaked out, fighting back tears.

“And you’re telling me this, why?”

“I tried to fight it, I swear,” Nico begged, “but I-... I met a boy, father,” he explained softly, “and I fell in love with him and I can’t… I can’t stop loving him, I- I don’t want to stop loving him. He… he makes me happy.”

“Nico, I already knew you were that way inclined,” Hades said on a bored tone, before regarding Will with a curiosity that unsettled him deeply. Will couldn’t stand the way Hades dismissed Nico so easily- even if he already knew, as a father he had an emotional duty to express his support and offer comfort, yet he dismissed all of Nico’s feelings purely on the basis that he’d suspected that Nico was gay. “Am I right in my assumption that this is whom you have entered a courtship with?” He rose from his seat, circling Will like a shark. Will let out a shaky breath he didn’t know he’s been holding, not daring to move from his spot or look up or speak. 

“He is, father,” Nico replied, “he’s my romantic partner.”

“Speak your name, boy,” Hades commanded, and words failed Will. He tried to force out a sound, and sound, but nothing came out. “Speak up!” Will flinched harshly and whimpered, then huffed in frustration and tried again, but again he was rendered incapable of speech. He took a few seconds to count up the Fibonacci sequence, distraction enough to ease his panic enough to muster up his voice and look Hades directly in the eye.

“William Solace, Son of Apollo, Head Medic at Camp Half Blood.”

“And what makes you think you’re even fit to lick the boots of the Ghost King?” That question had Will seething. And he barely managed to stop himself from listing all the times where Hades had failed Nico, if it wasn’t out of fear of being killed.

“Because I love him,” Will declared, “and I care about his health and wellbeing and his happiness. And most importantly, because he chooses me. I’m a choice he made, a step he took towards happiness, Nico had a choice and he chose love, and it isn’t your place to take away Nico’s choices any more than it would be mine, Lord Hades,” Will said strongly, almost sternly. Hades looked him up and down, before turning to Nico.

“I approve of your boyfriend so far,” Hades said casually, “he can stay in your room for tonight, I trust you to behave accordingly. I expect to see you both at dinner tonight and breakfast tomorrow. And Nico, I suggest you teach your boyfriend some etiquette.” With that, Hades disappeared, and Will let out a breath like he’d been punched. Nico immediately crossed the short space between them and rubbed soothing circles on his back, and Will clung to Nico’s jacket and buried his face in Nico’s curls. 

“It’s gonna be okay, Neeks,” Will reassured, gently pressing a kiss to the top of his head.

“I know, Will,” Nico soothed, “I’ll walk you to my room, we can get showers and curl up with a blanket and talk about it, I… I feel like I need to talk about it.”

“Of course,” Will said softly, pulling Nico a little closer, “I’m by your side when times are tough. I promise you that. I’m here now and I’ll be here later and I’ll be by your side when the sun sets for the last time. I promise.


	6. I will be there for you when you need my support

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mentions of backwards views and the effects they have, general angsty Nico. Also I use the word queer in this chapter. I identify as queer myself but I understand some people have had it hurled at them and may be triggered/ uncomfortable etc, which is why I'm saying now that this chapter includes queer as an identity.

“I don’t know what to think about it,” Nico admitted quietly. Will didn’t say anything or look to him expectantly- Nico had seemingly shut down whilst they were cuddling and pulled away, and Will didn’t want to put pressure on him. “I still have no idea if he’s okay with it… do you think… Will, please tell me he’s okay with it,” he pleaded. Will took the time to carefully consider an honest answer.

“He said he approves of me as your boyfriend, and he said he already knew, and he’s not given you any trouble for it so far, so it’s more likely he’s okay with it.”

“When I tried to help Percy, he- he looked at me with such disgust, like I was weak, and I… I remember being so scared that he knew I was-... and now he tells me he knows and shoves it aside like it’s nothing, irrelevant, insignificant. I wasn’t expecting it to go well, but- acceptance is supposed to feel all warm and happy, not… not something infinitesimal in its importance. I want to be proud of who I am, but who I am doesn’t matter to him. It’s an important part of me, something that took me a long time to become comfortable with, and he dismissed it, he dismissed everything I’ve been through and will go through as a result of my sexuality. I wasn’t expecting fanfare and a cake or a heart to heart, but at least some kind of- I don’t know! Something other than treating me like a child who doesn’t get to choose who he dated because the dad must scare away any suitors. And- I know it’s outdated, but my dad is an outdated guy, and it’s what guys like him do when their daughter starts dating. It’s not how fathers like him treat their sons, it’s how fathers like him treat their daughters. Does he really see me like that? As so- so effeminate, as less male, less of a man, because of who I love? 

“And I know- I know he’s just trying to look out for me, and I appreciate that, I do, it’s just- he never cared or showed any interests in my life and when he does, it’s because apparently you need his approval to date me? But me going through all that trauma doesn’t warrant parental protection? No, ‘hey, Nico, how have you been? Can I help you in any way? Need therapy?’ No. I come out to him, and he does the thing ‘traditional’ dads do with their daughters, like he sees me as weak, as feminine, as a damsel daughter who needs protecting from evil men. And yes, I know that’s such an outdated mysogynistic thing, homophobic even, but my dad is so old he sometimes slips into Old English, and I know he’s looking out for me and that’s a good thing because he finally wants to protect me and be a father, but it’s knowing- it’s the knowing how my sexuality has affected the way he sees me, that no matter how much he accepts me, he sees me as less his son, less strong, less capable, just because I’m gay. And I hate it! I hate it, Will! 

“I don’t need him to protect me from you, I don’t need him to speak for me, I don’t need him to have a say in my personal choices! And I’m not saying women need protecting, and I’m not saying being effeminate takes away a person’s masculinity or determines gender, I’m saying that my dad has backwards thinking and he’s applying it to me and I hate that he sees me as less capable, less masculine, less strong of a son, just because of my sexuality! I’m not some soft boy who needs his dad to choose his boyfriends, I’m a young man who has killed more monsters than he can count, I’m a boy who can conjure the shadows and travel the globe and escape Tartarus and I’m a guy who is more than capable of defending himself and picking his own boyfriend. I just feel like my dad has belittled everything about me, all that I am, reduced me to his degenerate son who’s so weak and incompetent because he’s gay that my dad just has to plan a dinner for the first time in ages just to decide if I get any free will in dating the boy I’ve already been secretly dating and fallen in love with! Gods I’m so mad at him!” Nico punctuated his tirade my throwing a glass at the wall. Will didn’t flinch or chastise him- he merely sat there observing, because he was worried. And he also had a solution, an outlet for Nico’s anger.

“Have you got any old stuff you don’t want or need?”

“What does that have to do with anything, Will?”

“Because we’re gonna get a baseball bat and smash it all up! Get your anger out in a way that isn’t destructive to yourself or others. Then we can salvage the mess for parts. You can think of everything that’s upset you, everything you’ve been through, everyone who’s made you cry, and you can smash it all to pieces and I’ll help.” Nico stared for a while before nodding.

“After dinner though,” he replied, “just in the event we get into trouble. Plus I’m kinda not done talking.”

“Talk away,” Will prompted softly, and Nico gave him a small smile, scooting closer.

“I feel so… deflated. I thought that confessing to my father would bring me some closure, that I’d feel refreshed, but I… Will, I think I feel worse. I feel like nothing changed except I’m now aware that my father views me as less of his son. I thought that by revealing my biggest secret I’d feel lighter, but I don’t, I just feel so much more aware of the fact that people know. That my father knows. I feel like my soul is being judged. I spent so so long hating myself, and it took so much for me to accept my sexuality as a natural part of myself, and now I feel abnormal and freakish all over again! My sexuality is natural and normal. And no, I don’t mean the same as a heterosexual, but I mean it’s nothing deviant or wrong. Statistically it isn’t a deviance, it isn’t an abnormality or a fault. It’s the way I am and it’s natural and normal and okay. And… that’s why I personally don’t reclaim queer. My sexuality isn’t weird, it’s natural, and I need to perceive it like that for me. I’ve heard the word used against me too many times. I’m gay and thats okay, it’s natural, it’s a part of me. But my dad sees it as a deviance and it hurts to have my sexuality viewed as a deviance. How are you so… so confident in it?”

“For me I just… people always define you by the most noticeable or the most different trait you have. I know that I’ll be judged by those differences. I accept that I have those differences. And whilst you’re completely right, it’s just for me personally, I’ve embraced that my sexuality is a difference and I refuse to let people twist it into a weapon. Doesn’t mean it won’t hurt when people are homophobic, but I choose to take that back from them. Yes I’m different, yes I’m not like most people, yes I’m queer. And I’m proud to be queer. I choose to empower myself. Nico… I haven’t experienced what you have. You can’t compare your experiences to mine in the sense of learning to be confident about yourself. I can’t tell you how to feel better about it because what worked for me clearly won’t work for you. For me, accepting myself as queer, reclaiming queer, that gave me the freedom to accept myself today. That’s unlikely to work for you, I know that. What I can tell you is that the fact you were able to openly tell your dad that you’re gay is proof that you’re doing just fine. I know you’re feeling vulnerable and it feels like you’ve been knocked down ten steps, but you haven’t, I promise you. You couldn’t even think about it without being terrified of the consequences. Now you’ve been able to tell somebody you’re gay, and you’re in a loving relationship with a boy, with me. You’ve come a lot further than you think. You’re doing just fine.”

“Then why doesn’t it feel like I’m doing fine? Why does it feel like I’m drowning, Will?”

Will was floored by the question. He had no idea how he should respond. Maybe he was being too positive- yes Nico had made progress, but Will had seen it himself and he could see it now- Nico was not fine. He looked so exhausted, so tired, so done, long past the point of wanting to give up. He constantly looked like he wanted to sleep but forced himself to stay awake, but in a more existential way. Will processed Nico’s statement the only way he knew how. Making progress towards being okay but not feeling like it. Will tried to think of other situations, and lo and behold, there were plenty of medical situations. “Think of it like… you had an illness. And it was slowly worsening. You take medicine, right? And slowly, the medicine kills off the illness or shrinks it. But you don’t necessarily feel yourself getting better. Sometimes the medicine makes you feel sick or it makes you tired, and you feel like the medicine isn’t working, but it is. Nico, you’re feeling low, and that isn’t gonna miraculously vanish. You’ve been making progress. You’re on the way to being happy and healthy. You just aren’t there yet, and the healing process is gruelling and even painful. But you’re gonna be okay Nico, I…” truly believe that, Will thought, before realising that he wasn’t so sure if he did- not everybody stops suffering. He couldn’t lie to Nico and tell him he would truly be okay when Will didn’t know if he ever would be. “I’ll be by your side, Nico, I’ll do my best to make sure you’re gonna be okay, that you can feel okay. Even if all I can do is make you laugh, or let you vent or just a simple hug. I believe that there’s a chance for you to be okay and I want to help you take it. I will be there for you when you need my support.” 

Nico didn’t say anything for a while, and when he did, it wasn’t much more than a meek “okay. Thanks, Will…” Will smiled softly, opening his arm in invite of a hug. Nico half accepted, leaning to rest his head on Will’s shoulder. Will gently held him there, tracing hearts and ‘I love you’s on his shoulder.

“I need you to give life a real push now, okay? You’re back on top of your self care enough, you’ve left the house, you can do this. I know it’s hard, but you can do this, I know you can, okay? I promise you can. I need you to pour your strength into getting back on your feet. Just small things. Stay on top of your personal hygiene and make it out of your cabin for a few hours, I’ll come with you and I’ll help with all your chores whilst you settle back into routine until you’re ready to start being more independent with it all. I’ll take some of the load off you, I’ll help you get back on your feet. But I just need you to hang on in there and push on, okay? I’ve got you.” Nico nodded weakly, giving Will a small smile.


	7. Let me be your Solace in the darkness

“Lord Hades, Sir,” Will addressed nervously, bowing politely, keeping his head down until Hades made a grunt of approval. After smashing up some old belongings and Nico starting a countdown on his chalkboard to how long it would be before his dad yelled at him, Nico had taught Will some ‘etiquette’, as Hades had put it, and Will was determined to stick to it in order to keep his life. Nico didn’t extend the same niceties to Hades- simply, he was pissed off. He loudly pulled out a chair and threw himself into it, resting his feet on the table and leaning his elbow on the back. Part of Will wanted to chastise Nico- he didn’t need Hades to be any more angry- but the other part of him was quite amused by Nico’s rebellious streak and wished he could do the same without getting killed. After all, he was bisexual- sitting in chairs properly wasn’t a concept to him. He resisted the urge to laugh at himself, waiting for Hades to allow him to sit down.

“You may sit,” Hades commanded, and Will nervously forced himself into the seat besides Nico. He couldn’t sit comfortably- he had to keep his back straight and his legs closed, feet tucked neatly under his chair. He also couldn’t lean his elbows on the table, which Will knew would make it more difficult for him to use his cutlery steadily. And then there was the matter of far too many pieces of cutlery he had no idea what to do with. Why so many forks? So many knives? Why the hell does spoon size matter? “Niccolò di Angelo, get your feet off the table before I smite you!”

“Ooh, scary(!)” Nico retorted, and his father glared. Nico rolled his eyes, loudly throwing his feet back onto the floor, slouching in the chair instead and putting his feet on Will’s lap.

“Niccolò di Angelo, what did I just tell you?”

“Ooh, what did I just tell you,” Nico mocked, and Will felt like he should say something, but he didn’t want to humiliate Nico by telling him off like he had a right to, or upset Hades by telling his son off. He also didn’t want to add onto Hades’s skewed perception of Nico as inherently submissive because of his sexuality, so Will decided against requesting that Nico not test his dad’s patience. 

“Disrespect me again and you’ll regret it!” Will flinched involuntarily- he couldn’t stand people making threats like that. Nico didn’t seem bothered, but then again, telling Nico he’d regret behaving badly really was nothing compared to telling him Bianca should have lived. Will was saddened that Nico was used to being treated like shit to the point he could casually shrug it off. Will figured that perhaps throwing money and gifts at Nico and occasionally showing up and using him as free child labour in the fields of punishment wasn’t something to be jealous of. Maybe Hades would never be as bad a father or as bad a person as Zeus, and maybe Will’s own dad didn’t even know who Will was, but it wasn’t a competition. Hades might have been the best dad out of a bad bunch of gods, but that didn’t make him a good dad and nor did it excuse the damage done by his behaviour. 

Will decided that Nico didn’t need telling off for sitting comfortably or for defying his dad after his dad upset him- obedience isn’t something to be praised when it’s for somebody’s godly power trip. So Will held Nico’s legs more comfortably on his lap to stop them from slipping off and smiled nervously at Hades. “It’s quite alright, Lord Hades, I don’t mind the Ghost King using my thighs as a footrest.”

“Of course you don’t,” Hades commented dismissively, and Will clenched his jaw, silently praying to Apollo to grant him the strength not to bite back and comment. Nico looked to Will, and Will could see the fear in his eyes- Nico might have been rebelling, acting out, but he was scared of doing so- he was just sick of being treated like some kind of circus dog jumping through hoops for scraps of meat. It was Nico’s way of saying that he wasn’t going to be the perfect quiet obedient son Hades wanted, and he wasn’t going to put up with being treated as such. Will admired Nico’s spirit. Nico was, for the most part, exceptionally polite and gentlemanly- so Will had not expected Nico to start behaving like this at the dinner table. “Control your partner and get him to behave accordingly, Sunspawn, he needs a man to put him in his place,” Hades commanded. Nico gave Will a challenging glare.

“Forgive me, Lord Hades,” Will began, trying to even out the anger in his tone, “but I refuse to ‘control’ Nico. We’re equal, he isn’t below me or subservient to me. I don’t have the right to tell him how to behave any more than he has the right to do so to me. Our relationship is an equal partnership and does not follow the toxic cisheteronormative patriarchal traditional guidelines in which one partner acts an obedient server to the other. Nico isn’t the ‘woman’ in the relationship, neither of us are, that’s the point, we’re gay, and by telling me to ‘control’ my partner, not only are you encouraging an unhealthy disbalance of power in a relationship but you’re also playing into homophobic and inherently misogynistic rhetoric, and we refuse to conform to your standards of how we should love in order to fit into your narrow-minded perspective of society. I’m not going to start to ‘control’ Nico, and I absolutely will not ‘put him in his place,’ that’s toxic- in fact, that’s outright abusive! Putting your partner in their place is a justification used by abusers and I refuse to ever become an abuser to please your standards of how I should treat your son! His current behaviour isn’t actively causing anyone harm, there’s no need for me to intervene. If Nico were to do something that caused harm, I wouldn’t ‘control’ him, or ‘put him in his place,’ we’d have a discussion and come to a mutual agreement on how to proceed to right the wrongs. Nico is merely sitting comfortably and I support his decision to do so. The issue isn’t asking Nico to move his legs, that’s a minor request, it’s the fact you told me to ‘control’ him and ‘put him in his place’. And I won’t! I will treat your son with the utmost respect and care he deserves and nothing less! Right Nico?”

Before Nico could speak, however, Hades cut him off with a wave of the hand. “Very well,” he began, regarding Will with an unreadable expression that had Will anxious that he should have just asked Nico to move his feet rather than making a big deal out of it, “Niccolò, I approve of your choice in suitor.”

“Wait what,” Will interrupted before he could stop himself, earning a less than pleased eyebrow raise from Hades.

“I was merely testing you,” Hades clarified, “there are many who would have opted to attempt to control my son’s behaviour despite my deliberate choice in words, much like there are boys who would choose to hold a sword to my son’s throat after he disobeyed me to save the boy from my dungeons, and there are boys who would happily lie and manipulate my son for their own gain. I needed to make sure that even with the pressure of a god you would stand your ground and refuse to so much as attempt to control my son.”

“Oh,” Will said, letting it sink in- he had been testing him. “Oh, well… of course I wouldn’t try to control Nico. That’s wrong.”

“Good,” Hades began, “you may eat.”

“Wait a minute,” Nico interrupted, and Will could see the shadows creeping as Nico put his feet down to take a more firm position, “you were testing my boyfriend? Who gave you the right?”

“I’m your father, Nico,” Hades replied, and Nico scoffed. 

“And I don’t need protecting, father,” Nico bit, and Will reached across to take Nico’s hand, soothingly rubbing the pad of his thumb across Nico’s knuckles. Nico slowly relaxed, the anger seeping out of him, replaced with the exhaustion and tension Nico had come to be more familiar with. “I appreciate that you’re trying to look out for me, but that’s not what I need you to do, dad,” he sighed, looking to Will, who gave him an encouraging half smile. “I don’t need protecting from Will, I need your support. I need-” Will heard his voice crack, and his heart broke for Nico. “I need to know that it’s okay,” he continued shakily, “and I need you to acknowledge that it’s an important part of my identity and it- it isn’t going away! Gods knows I tried so hard to make it go away, but I can’t live a lie, dad. I- I’m… I’m gay,” Nico forced out, taking a shaking breath, and Will squeezed his hand in support. “I’m gay, and that’s… it’s something that I- I still struggle to admit to myself sometimes, dad. I don’t need you to treat me like I’m weak, like I need protecting from men, because I’m not and I don’t! And I don’t want you to push it aside and tell me that you already knew, I-... I needed to hear that it was okay. Not that it’s so obvious you can just tell! Because now I’m scared, because it- it’s fine when other gay people like Will could tell I was gay, because safety in numbers and comfort in familiarity, but the idea that straight people can suss me like some kind of sniffer dog trying to spot what makes me different to them? It makes me feel like a freakshow and it makes me feel unsafe. Eros outed me in front of Zeus’s son, and… the fear of somebody being able to tell I’m gay and telling other people and outing me as gay is terrifying! Not only does it put me in danger but it takes away my control over my own life. I didn't need you to dismiss my admission like it meant nothing, I needed you to recognise the fear and stress and courage it took me to tell you and I needed you to tell me that who I am is okay, that you support me, that you support my relationship with Will. I need your support dad, not your indifference or your overprotectiveness!” 

Nico stood up and walked out in a hurry, and Will could hear the faint hitched breaths and light sobs before he slammed the door behind him. “Uh- Lord Hades, may I be excused? I’d like to make sure my boyfriend is okay. He’s been struggling recently and he’s struggling now.”

“You may,” Hades said, “but I expect you both to return within half an hour so we can proceed with the evening meal and so you can both inform me of the nature of your relationship.” 

“Thank you, Lord Hades.” Will nodded respectfully before bolting out of his seat and following Nico. 

He caught up to him in the corridor, seeing him wiping his eyes with his arm as he stormed to his room. “Nico!” Will reached out, gently toughing his fingertips to Nico’s arm. When Nico didn’t pull back, Will gently took his arm and turned Nico around to face him. He was crying silently, eyes wide and vulnerable and defeated. Will wrapped him in his arms and Nico didn’t protest, sobbing into Will’s chest. “I’m so proud of you, Nico,” Will soothed, placing a gentle kiss on the top of Nico’s head.

“Will,” Nico pleaded, although he had no request. Will merely held him tighter, heartbroken by the shaking and the sobbing. Will rubbed soothing circles into Nico’s back, but Nico shook his head, and Will returned to merely holding him.

“I love you so much,” Will reassured, sniffling as he fought back his own tears, “I’m so, so proud of you. You’re doing do well, I’m so proud of everything that you do and I love you so much. I’m here for you, I’ve got you. I’ve got you, Nico, I promise I’ve got you.”

“I’m sorry,” Nico croaked, pulling back and rubbing his eyes, “I know I just need to man up and-”

“No!” Will interrupted, “absolutely not!” Will reached out to cup Nico’s cheeks, and Nico nodded his consent. Will gently took Nico’s face in his hands, holding him like he was the most precious thing in the world. “You don’t need to man up, Nico, toxic masculinity won’t help you. And you know what? Maybe big boys don’t cry, but do you know who do cry? Real men cry. It takes a lot of maturity to admit you’re not okay and to process those feelings in a healthy way. There’s nothing weak in admitting you’re vulnerable, it takes a lot of strength to allow yourself to cry. You’re so strong, Nico, and I’m so, so proud of you. Today’s been hard on you, and what you did today? Coming out to your dad, defying him, standing up to him? That took a lot of bravery and I am very proud of you. So proud of you. And you deserve to be proud of who you are and everything you’ve done too, Nico. You deserve to be proud of yourself and you deserve to love yourself, to love who you are. I love you so much, sunshine. Can you love yourself for me, or at least try to? I just want you to love yourself the way I love you, to see what I see, to know how worthy you are of love and self care and how worthy you are of affection and kindness. You deserve the world, Nico. You deserve to love yourself, your sexuality included. You deserve to be proud of who you are, and I wish you could see everything I can see.”

“Will,” Nico managed weakly, pulling away from him before stepping closer and taking his hands. “Will, I love you,” he declared, and Will’s heart fluttered. He could see his glow radiating onto Nico’s skin, highlighting warm amber and olive undertones. Nico rarely uttered those words, so when he did, there was always a raw sincerity and affection, a vulnerability that took Nico a lot of courage to show. 'I love you' was special, it was raw, it was everything.

“I love you too, Nico,” Will replied, and Nico stepped closer, raising a hand to cup Will’s cheek before meeting his lips in a tentative kiss. It was only a short kiss, but Will melted, a warm rush of affection rushing through his chest and stomach and tinting his cheeks pink. Every kiss from Nico was everything, intoxicating and full of Nico’s secrets and vulnerabilities and above all his love. Will handed Nico a tissue from his pocket, and Nico dabbed at his eyes. He barely looked like he’d been crying at all, briefly making eye contact with Will before pulling him into a bone crushing hug. Will hugged back warmly, Nico grabbing the fabric of the back of Will’s shirt like he never wanted to let go, like he could pull himself closer. Nico wasn’t good at affection, at least, not physical affection, so Will knew that when Nico hugged him or kissed him or held his hand, it meant everything to Nico, so it meant everything to Will too. “Let me help you,” Will pleaded, “let me comfort you, Nico. Let me be your Solace in the darkness.”

“Will, did you just make a name pun?”

“Sorry,” Will grinned, “I couldn’t resist.”

“Dork,” Nico chuckled, and Will smiled warmly.

“Did I make you smile though?”

“You always make me smile, Solace,” Nico said softly, pulling away again and taking Will’s hand, squeezing it gently and smiling adoringly at Will. “I think I’m going to be okay,” he whispered softly, pressing a tender kiss to Will’s cheek that had Will blushing bright pink to the tips of his ears. Nico was blushing puce, coyly looking away. Will broke into a grin and giggled happily, because after days, there was the tiniest glimpse that Nico could be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So hi humans, that's the first major part of this fic completed! The next half is gonna be Nico's POV but this time it will be Will who needs some support. And the last two chapters are a surprise. The chapter titles will make more sense too (you've probably already noticed they're quotes from each chapter but I swear there's something really cute I'm doing with them!)


	8. I'll fight in your corner when you can't fight for yourself

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're moving onto focusing on Will's mental health now! Trigger warning for death, blood etc, brief descriptions of preparing dead bodies from Nico

Will was trembling. A patient had a femoral bleed- Will was currently straddling the patient, putting as much pressure as possible over the stab wound with his knee whilst he used his hands to administer desperate chest compressions. He was pouring all of his healing energy into the patient- on top of that, he’d used up all of the O- blood they had, and by this point the patient’s blood formed a large red stain- it was very red, because it was arterial, and it kept pulsing out whilst the patient’s heart was beating, but not so much now. It was a desperate attempt to save her, futile, and it had been for a while now. It had been twenty minutes of chest compressions, and by now, Will could barely muster the energy to compress the chest enough. He was hysterical, crying and shaking, desperately trying to get her heart to beat again, but every time he checked there was nothing. Will’s palms were probably numb and his knuckles sore, the ache in his shoulders most likely turning into a sharp pain and his stomach churning from the motion and the smell of blood and clinical smells. 

“Will…”

“I can save her! I can- I can save her!” Will protested, doubling his efforts to restart her heart. 

“Will,” Nico said gently, putting his hand on Will’s shoulder.

“No!”

“Will, let her go, she’s already gone.”

“No, I can save her, I know I can!”

“Will, you can’t, she’s already gone. Please, Will, stop.”

“No…”

“Will…” Nico knelt by Will and wrapped his arms around his waist, pulling him backwards against his chest. Will protested, lurching forwards towards the corpse, but Nico stood and dragged him to his feet, walking him away. Nico watched the blood slowly trickle out of the wound, no longer a pulsing squirting mess, gravity doing its job more than anything. The room was silent- Will was shaking, in shock, and even the shadows had silenced for a second. Then the death rattle sounded past her lips, a watery gurgling final breath. The shadows started chattering again, and Will wrenched out of Nico’s arms, hysterically crying and staring at bloodied hands. Nico drew his sword, placing it over the girl’s heart, watching as her spirit twined around it, chattering, asking him to thank Will, before Nico struck his sword into the ground, sending her spirit to rest. He pulled a white sheet off one of the beds to cover the blood and soak it up, then another to cover the body with out of respect. Will screamed loudly, and Nico rushed over to him, catching him as he collapsed to his knees. Will’s hands were bloodied, and he was staring at them through teary eyes as though he was responsible for her death. He was sobbing hysterically, barely breathing through taking gulps of air, and Nico feared he might throw up. Nico’s suspicions were confirmed when Will broke away and ran into the bathroom, retching violently.

Nico followed, gently closing the door behind them and kneeling besides Will, rubbing his back. He was pale, shaky, clammy, in shock. Will threw up again, panicked sobs echoing. “You need to breathe slowly, Will,” Nico said gently, but Will shook his head, sobbing loudly. He choked on a sob, violently vomiting a third time, dry retching afterwards. “Will, I need you to take slow breaths,” Nico reminded, but Will was panicking because the retching was cutting off his breathing. Why did nobody see that Will never smiled, Nico wondered. Why didn’t they see what they were doing to him? Nico gently tucked Will’s messy curls behind his ears, scooping the rest up and holding it back as best he could whilst he rubbed Will’s back. Will was resting on the back of his wrists, his bloodied palms turned upwards. It was all over his clothes, all over his face, splattered in his hair, a bloodbath of bright red viscous sticky warm blood. There were spots of it on his face like crimson freckles, constellations of a life once lived reduced to the void. Soon there would be the most natural form of life from death there was- after all, decay exists as an extant form of life. 

Nico had the job of preparing bodies- and from sewing the mouth shut to removing bodily fluids before they leaked out, it wasn’t a pleasant job- in fact, it was rather undignified, Nico thought, from the way certain parts had to be taped to the thigh to avoid a very awkward casket viewing, to the way stomach contents had to be sucked out of the corpse to avoid leaking, to the way mangled bodies would be sewn and stuffed and reconstructed, to the way Nico had to prepare the charred remains of incorrectly and incompletely burned bodies to crush and grind the bones into ashes. 

So Nico wouldn’t tell Will that all of that was about to happen to the little girl lying outside on the infirmary floor. Especially because Will was terrified of dying.

So Nico merely rubbed Will’s back until he stopped vomiting, getting him some lucozade to help with the shock and wiping over Will’s face with a cold wet cloth to help calm him down. Will was staring blankly at the wall, exhausted, and Nico knew that this was just the first phase of Will’s downwards spiral. “I’ll watch over her, Will, I promise,” Nico soothed, “she’ll just be sleeping in my cabin, and I’ll make sure her soul gets processed quickly. She’ll get Elysium, Will. You did everything you could, but it was her time to go. She went peacefully with Thanatos. She wasn’t scared or in pain.” That, of course, was all bullshit. She died in agony, didn’t want to leave, resisted Thanatos, and had to be banished. She wouldn’t get Elysium- she never had quests, never became a hero, never did or said anything that made a difference- she’d forget herself in Asphodel. 

Will was still covered in blood, but Nico had a few open wounds on his hands from the climbing wall, and he didn’t know the patient’s blood status. Nico couldn’t risk touching any of the blood- at least, not more than he already had. “Will,” Nico prompted gently, taking his arm and helping him to his feet, “Will, you need to get changed, and you need to wash the blood off.” Will nodded shakily, and Nico rubbed his back again soothingly. “Do you want me to leave?” Nico asked, and Will shook his head, taking shaky breaths. Nico merely nodded, and Will began to shakily remove his gloves, throwing them in the biohazard bin, and the same with his scrub top and ruined crocs. Nico turned around politely, awkwardly staring at the floor whilst he finished undressing and stepped into the shower. Nico sat on the floor carefully, leaning his head back against the wall. It was a wetroom, with pretty much no privacy, but it was quiet and it meant Will didn’t have to walk through camp covered in blood and shaking. Nico didn’t hear any changes in water flow, so he gathered Will wasn’t moving at all. 

“Will?”

“Nico…” Will’s voice sounded desperate, and Nico turned around to see Will sitting on the shower floor, shaking. 

“Come on, Will, you have to wash the blood off,” Nico prompted, and Will nodded vacantly, finally working to scrub away the blood. Nico looked away again. It took a while for Will to manage to scrub away all the blood, so Nico sorted Will some clean clothes- a plain pastel blue cotton button up t-shirt, a pastel pink jumper, and some lilac tracksuit bottoms- because of course, Will did not own a single item of clothing that matched, ever. Will got changed slowly and carefully, his face puffy and eyes red from the crying. 

“Let’s go to campfire,” Will said quietly, sniffling and rubbing at his eyes. Nico nodded, opening his arms for a hug. Will instantly accepted, softly crying into Nico’s shoulder. “I don’t know if I can face anyone,” he whimpered, and Nico ran his fingers through Will’s hair soothingly.

“You can,” Nico said gently, “I’m with you.” Will nodded and sniffled, breaking away from the hug and making his way towards the fire exit- after all, he probably didn’t want to see the corpse again. Nico followed, instantly hit by a cold blast of autumn night’s air. He pulled his jacket tighter around himself and jammed his hands in his pockets. Will shivered, tucking his hands under his armpits. 

As soon as they reached the campfire, an Ares camper ran over to Will, barely giving him the time to process that anybody had approached him before bombarding him with questions. “Is she okay? Did she make it? Can I go see her? We made Get Well Soon Cards and the Demeter cabin helped us pick flowers, can we see her?” Nico’s chest clenched painfully- Will wore a grim, morose expression, but more prominently, one of guilt. “Where is she, Solace?” the camper demanded, and Will looked close to tears as he shook his head slowly.

“I’m so sorry,” Will croaked out, and the camper’s face changed from hopeful to shocked to devastated to pure rage in a matter of seconds.

“You… you killed her,” he hissed, his voice dangerously low and threatening, “you fucking killed her!”

“No, I- I did all I could-”

“WELL IT’S NOT FUCKING GOOD ENOUGH BECAUSE SHE’S FUCKING DEAD!”

“I- I’m sorry, I-”

“SORRY DOESN’T FUCKING BRING HER BACK YOU FUCKING MONSTER! YOU LET HER DIE! HER BLOOD’S BEEN SPILLED AND IT’S ON YOUR FUCKING HANDS, DOCTOR DEATH!”

“Hey, that’s enough,” Nico warned firmly, and the camper shoved Will harshly, making him lose his balance and land harshly on his backside. “I said that’s enough!” Nico raised his voice, letting the shadows creep up and wrap around him in sleek tendrils, and he could feel the life leeching out of the ground below him, he could feel the decay spreading and he could feel the worms beneath the soil crumbling to dust and the grass shrivelling and dying beneath his feet. Nobody, and he means nobody, touches or shouts at his sunshine. The Ares camper squared up to him, but the gasps and fear radiating from the other campers seemed to be warning enough for the new camper not to mess with Nico di Angelo. He sympathised with the guy, he really did- but Will was beside himself with guilt and grief too, and Nico’s priority was Will’s wellbeing. Nico knew the camper would have his siblings to mourn and grieve with- but Will had nobody else who had seen and understood death like Nico had. 

Nico watched as the Ares camper walked away, a distinct fear radiating off him so intense Nico could smell it like a shark to blood. But the damage had already been done, and Nico could hear the rapidly quickening breathing of Will, like something had snapped inside him and hit him with a solid wall of panic. “I’ll fight in your corner when you can’t fight for yourself,” Nico promised, hoping it would ease Will’s anxiety a little, but when Nico managed to look at him, the wild expression he wore told Nico that this was gonna be a big breakdown of sheer anxiety.


	9. I'm here to be your voice when yours is gone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tw: existential crisis, meltdown, unjust blame for death

“Will?”

“I- I can’t-” Will’s breaths were getting shallower and shallower, and he started pacing in an attempt to ease his distress. 

“Communicate with me, what’s going on and what do you need,” Nico prompted gently, but Will shook his head sharply, jamming his fingers in his hair and tugging harshly. “Will?”

“I let her die, she’s dead, I’m a murderer, she’s dead, we die, I’ll die, I can’t die don’t- don’t let me-” Will started hysterically sobbing, still pacing back and fourth. “Nico, I can’t-” Will choked on a sob, and Nico moved to encircle him in a tight hug- pressure usually helped to ground Will, hopefully calm him. Will’s sobs were loud and broken by Nico’s ear, breaths shallow and heavy. Nico rested his cheek against Will’s, hot tears transferring onto his skin. He tried his best to shove aside the pit of desolation that came shortly after, the ache in his chest, because Will was hurting and he couldn’t take the pain away, not in a way that would make things better, at least. 

“You’re not to blame, Will,” Nico said softly, “it’s a part of nature, it’s as natural as the sunrise and as untimely as the buses.”

“A part of nature?” Will scoffed and laughed bitterly. “There was nothing natural about the way that girl died!”

“Maybe not,” Nico replied gently, “but death cannot be prevented, only prolonged. That is not your responsibility nor is her blood on your hands. You are not to blame. The fates made a decision, and Thanatos came before her heart had even stopped. You could not have saved her, Will.”

“But that means I can’t stop my own death oh gods I’m gonna die one day and probably all bloody and painful just like that oh gods I don’t wanna- I don’t wanna die-” Will pulled away, pacing again and screaming in hysterical sobs. 

“Will-”

“I can’t do this I can’t die I’m gonna die and I don’t know when time is limited this will end I’ll stop thinking and experiencing and I’ll lose you and I can’t-” Will broke off in a panicked scream, stooping down and rocking, tugging hard at his hair. 

“Will please don’t do that,” Nico asked softly, kneeling in front of him. He reached for Will’s arms, but Will jerked away, shaking his head. “I’m sorry,” Nico said gently, and Will shook his head again. “Will, communicate with me, what’s wrong?” Will shook his head again and tried to speak, desperately opening his mouth and gesturing wildly, but he didn’t seem to be able to force out any sound at all. He couldn’t even seem to scream. He started hysterically crying, completely locked out of communication through his distress. Nico didn’t know what to do. He’d helped Will through going non-verbal before, but never in public when people were staring at him. Nico would usually go and fetch the heaviest, softest quilt he could find and wrap it around Will, he’d sit besides him and grip his hand tightly, rocking gently to encourage the self-soothing behaviour in Will, who would begin to calm down. He’d fetch Will’s headphones and put them on him with no sound to block it all out, and he’d not comment when Will pulled the quilt over his face to block out the light. He’d sit quietly with him, holding his hand, letting Will fiddle with his fingers- sometimes when Will was too distressed, he could be a little rough in the way he twisted them around, but Nico didn’t mind that. But now they were in public and people were staring and asking questions and getting far too close to Will, who was crouched on the floor rocking on the ball of his feet, crying hysterically with his hands clamped painfully tight over his ears. Nico knew what to do.

He summoned a fence of bones around Will, rolling it forwards like a barricade to push back the crowd. He put himself directly between Will and the crowd, thickening the shadows to shroud Will and give him some privacy.

“What’s he fucking crying for?” the Ares camper demanded.

“He just lost a patient, and quite frankly, it’s none of your business,” Nico replied in a collected warning tone. 

“My fucking sister is dead!”

“And he has to deal with that for the rest of his life, so back off!” Nico stepped forwards and the Ares camper stepped back. He waited until nobody tried to speak, and immediately turned, pulling Will into the tightest hug he could- pressure usually helped Will a great deal. 

Kayla pushed past the crowd, crouching beside them. "Will, what do you need," she asked softly, and Will shook his head harshly, bringing his arms up to his shoulders then bringing them down quickly to his chest. 

"He needs his blanket," Nico translated. After all, he'd helped Will enough times to be able to decipher Will's gestures, even if they did change sometimes. 

"Anything else?" Kayla asked, and Will covered his ears.

"Headphones," Nico said quickly, and Kayla nodded, rushing off.

"It's okay, Will," Nico said softly, "I'm here to be your voice when yours is gone." Will cried softly, pushing as close to Nico as he could as the Ares camper continued his angry tirade. Nico needed to get Will out of this situation as soon as possible, so as soon as Kayla returned, Nico thanked her and shadow travelled Will to his cabin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the very late update and sorry it's so short, but here, have an angst


	10. I will be the one who dims the lights when they're too bright

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tw: death description, intense distress

It had been 4 hours and Will still wasn't showing signs of becoming any calmer. He was rocking violently, hysterical sobs shaking his whole body in a way Nico knew must hurt, and he was clutching his chest, repeating a mantra of "I'm gonna die". Nico knew that the crying would have only exasperated the chest pains from the anxiety. Will always described it as feeling like one of his ribs had punctured through his heart, each breath and each beat sending a sharp stabbing pain that jolted Will into existential fear, the fear that this was the end. Nico had tried to reason with Will, tried to hug him, tried to hold him, but Will was inconsolable.

Nico didn't know how to help at first. How could anybody help? Will was facing the reality of his own mortality. It wasn't like any other fear, because there was no avoiding it, there was no removing death from reality. Nico could not take away Will's source of pain, nor could he reassure Will that he would not die, because Will would die. Nico hated that Will had to die. Nico felt like crying, because he never wanted Will to die, he never wanted things to be over, never wanted things to end. And he never wanted Will to feel like he did right now, unable to focus on anything but the undescribable sense of dread that came with facing mortality. Will could be stuck like this for weeks, unable to take his mind away from the harsh reality of his mortality, unable to live lest he die trying.

The most Nico could do was attempt to make Will comfortable, but that was the problem- Will's job was to make people as comfortable as possible in death, so any attempts to make him comfortable only triggered him worse, and Nico didn't know what to do. What could he do? He couldn't make promises he couldn't keep, couldn't reassure Will that death was just like sleeping. Will had been around death far too much to believe that. 

Which is how Nico realised that all he could do was be there. So he sat beside Will, gently pulling his hands away from his face, but this only seemed to distress Will more- which is when Nico realised that this wasn't just an existential meltdown, he was struggling with sensory overload, so Nico rushed over to the lights and turned them off, leaving a few lamps on. The coziness distressed Will, but not as much as to negate the sensory relief of the dimmed lights. "I will be the one who dims the lights when they're too bright," Nico said softly, "I promise you that, Will. I promise to help you." 

Will sobbed brokenly, a little less hysterical, which indicated that Nico had helped. He felt horribly useless watching his boyfriend's distress. He realised that Will's trip to the underworld probably contributed massively to this. Nico felt a pang of guilt settle deep into the pit of his stomach. Nico would never forgive himself for being the cause of Will's distress, even if he only partly and unwittingly contributed. He couldn't stand to see Will like this. He pulled him closer into his arms, shushing him soothingly and rocking him, holding his head to his heart so Will could hear it beating, to remind him that Nico wasn't leaving him, but Will pulled away harshly and let out a guttural screeching scream, tugging at his teeth, probably because he could feel his pulse in them. Nico pulled Will's hands away and Will screamed out again, trying to hit himself in the head. Nico hated that he had to stop Will from doing so.

Will's screaming didn't cease. He screamed and screamed and cried until mucus clagged his throat and bubbled at his nose, until he was heaving and retching and panicking because he couldn't breathe properly. He was sweating, blotchy pink, completely gone, and Nico wondered if Will could ever stop screaming. He screamed until no sound could come out, until his face contorted into pain, until there was the slightest trace of blood in his saliva from the irritation to his vocal chords. He was damaging himself in his distress, and Nico couldn't take his pain away. He cried softly, hoping that Will could recover soon.

Will's hysterical crying continued into the night, until the sun came up and Nico wasn't sure how much longer his eyes would remain open. By morning, Will only cried harder, and he was a mess, and Nico couldn't help. He held Will again, but Will was shaking so badly, his pulse pounding so hard Nico could feel it moving Will's whole body. He couldn't calm down, and he kept begging Nico to help him, and it broke Will's heart into pieces. Will was begging Nico not to let him die, rambling incoherently about cryogenics and vitrification and the end of the universe and it broke Nico into pieces that death was inevitable. Will understood death too much, to the point that no faith or science could reassure him that he stood a chance of avoiding the end. 

At least dimming the lights had allowed Will a small relief in his distress, Nico mused. 

Finally, he'd cried himself to the point of delirious exhaustion, midday, but Will was too scared to sleep. 

"It's summer…" Will muttered, "shouldn't be so cold… they shouldn't be so cold…" 

"I know," Nico said gently, "it's winter, Will…"

"So cold…" Will repeated, and Nico knew that Will had to sleep, so with a soft touch, Nico put Will to sleep.

Nico dream travelled when he finally allowed himself the luxury of sleep, straight to Will's dreams. He was watching Will hysterically crying in the hallway of a cramped flat, his mom and an unknown woman moving a limp boy out to the landing and oh… Nico realised now… the unknown woman he assumed was Will's aunt was doing CPR whilst Will sat in the doorway to the stairwell, begging his brother not to leave him. All Nico could smell was cold, smoke, and coca-cola. No wonder Will refused to drink the stuff, seeing it pooling at the mouth of the boy. Or was it tarred fluid from the lungs? There was dried blood around his mouth and nostrils. The memory lasted long, too long, to the point that an ambulance crew arrived, to the point that they diagnosed a pneumothorax. 

The memory lasted to his mom going in the ambulance with the boy, to Will calling his friends at the time, who couldn't have sounded like they cared any less, to the ride with his grandparents in a cab to the hospital. Being told it wasn't looking hopeful. Holding his brother's hand whilst his last heartbeat passed, and that hand was so so cold as the doctor declared the time of death. Kissing his brother goodbye and placing his hand over his chest, which was so so cold.

"Not my little mate," his grandad sobbed. Will never forgot those words, it seems. The walk back from the hospital eased the nausea a little.

When Will woke up, crying and clinging to Nico, Nico made sure his hands were warm. Nico could go cold, cold like a corpse. Only now did he fully understand just how much that affected Will.


	11. I'll bring the quiet when life is too loud

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tw: description of death, panic attack, sensory overload

"I think…" Will began softly, "we shoulda knew he was dying… Nico, he'd go to the bathroom and he'd return to the bedroom leaning so heavily on the edge of the bed trying to catch his breath for so long. He'd lost so much weight too. He caught a cold in his final week and he couldn't get out of bed, wouldn't eat or anything, couldn't sleep… the day he died he fell asleep and when we woke him, he was waving his arms and incoherently mumbling because of the lack of oxygen. We were gonna take him to hospital and mama had to give him a sponge bath, and when I went in, his hands were blue and so cold, but it was the middle of a heatwave. He had no right being that cold. He looked me in the eye struggling to catch his breath when he reached for my hand. I left the room a little and next thing I know mama's screaming for me and there's blood and cola coming out of his mouth at the end of the bed and mama's tryina wake him, but he was already gone… how did none of that tell me he was gonna die? And I remember hysterically crying by his body whilst a doctor tried to make sure I was okay and I remember thinking this is it, a new era of my life. It didn't feel right going to sleep anymore. And every time I lose a patient, every time I have to feel how cold someone is, every time I have to tell somebody the bad news, all I can think about is that day. I wasn't right since."

Nico didn't know what to say. What could he say to that? Nico reached out for Will's hand, giving it a gentle squeeze. "How can I help you, Will?"

"I don't reckon you can, Neeks…" Will rested his head on Nico's shoulder, and Nico kissed the top of his head gently.

"I'm here for you, Will," Nico said quietly, " and I understand…"

"I'm wish you didn't understand," Will said brokenly.

"Would a distraction help?" Nico asked softly, and Will hesitated before nodding.

"I threw myself into fandoms every time Neeks, until it went away."

"Then how about I get all your Stargate thingies? You know, the shiny circles you stick in the plastic thing that puts the show on?"

"That sounds rad," Will replied quietly, grabbing the closest blanket to wrap himself up in. "I feel so sick…"

"Do you think you could eat," Nico asked softly, and Will shook his head quietly. Nico understood. Grief and the shock of grief left such a strong nausea that eating could take several days to manage. Nico figured out how to put the shiny circle on and sat down with Will.

It was over a week of watching when Will finally felt able to go outside, but it backfired badly. After spending so long in the quiet of the Hades cabin, everything seemed too overwhelming, because there was just so much going on. Nico knew how sensitive Will's hearing was. He could hear all the outlets, hear the difference between different things being plugged in, he could hear the buzz of the WiFi routers and the high pitched whining of the TV. He could hear dogwhistles and sounds Nico had never been able to hear.

Nico could hear so much. Overlapping conversations in a variety of accents, pitches, timbres, laughter, the sound of swords scraping and arrows flying, the whip of the air, the sound of birds and leaves and twigs and monsters and shadows and- now Nico was getting overwhelmed himself. Will wasn't doing much better; he bolted back to the Hades cabin at the first loud bang, and Nico couldn't tell if he was triggered or if he was overwhelmed or both. 

"Will?"

"Too much," Will whimpered, and Nico went around his cabin unplugging anything that might make a noise.

"I'll bring the quiet when life is too loud," Nico said softly, grabbing Will's noise cancelling headphones and placing them over Will's ears. Will gave a tiny grateful smile, before he curled in on himself. Nico could practically feel Will's anxiety- he looked so panicked, his expression wild, neurotic even, but Will wasn't even complaining. Probably because he was so used to feeling so anxious, was so used to being told it wasn't that deep, to try harder, that everyone gets nervous, to just ignore it, that he completely repressed himself from allowing himself to complain about it. But this wasn't nerves. Anxiety was never just nerves. If people could see all the anxious breakdowns Will had, if they had to listen to him frantically rambling and over thinking in a way that made no sense yet seemed completely logical to Will, then perhaps they'd stop telling him that it's not that deep.

Nico just sat quietly- he knew from the way Will was shaking, completely rigid, staring panicked into space without making a sound, that holding Will would cause him to panic more. Will was breathing so raggedly by now that Nico was sure he was having an anxiety attack or a panic attack. Will burst into hysterical tears, and he looked so frightened it hurt Nico to see, especially because there was nothing to be frightened of. Nico mentally chastised himself. There was everything to be frightened of for Will. It didn't matter if there was no threat, if the fear was irrational, because it was there and it was real and it was hurting Will. 

Nico waited until Will's breathing became more controlled, and sat gently in front of Will, holding his hands out. Will took them, and Nico helped guide Will through his breathing, letting Will ground himself with Nico's hands. "Five things you see, four you hear, three you feel, two you smell, and one you taste," Nico said softly, and Will took a moment to process. 

"Uh… you… chair… bed… blanket… door…"

"Very good, Will, what can you hear?"

"My pulse and that's it…"

"Okay, what can you feel?" 

"Your hands… clammy as usual… uh… fabric of my top… cold floor…"

"That's good," Nico said softly, although now his clothes felt itchy because he was aware of them and he was touch sensitive as it was. "Smell?"

"Sandalwood deodorant, lavender and cotton detergent, sweat, pomegranates, dust, decaying flesh- you need a shower you smell like a morgue- mildew, hyacinths, citrus- like lemons, alcohol based- ethanol based antiseptic, saline scrub, cheese sandwich going mouldy, iodine scrub, the bathroom, the grass- I smell everything it's too much…"

"I'm sorry," Nico said, but Will was already panicking again, and Nico knew he couldn't make it go away. In his defence, he'd forgotten the cheese sandwich was there. He sniffed his pits- and yes, he smelled like a morgue. He scrunched his face up like a mortally offended cat and decided he should shower later. He figured he should probably find wherever the mouldy sandwich was and throw it away before it attracted a possum again. 

Sometimes fiddling with a tub of slime helped, but then Nico remembered when Will had consumed it, and realised that was probably a terrible idea. He realised that by removing all the sound, Will was significantly less distressed than he would have been otherwise, and that was enough for Nico.


	12. I'm with you to guide you through the brightest panic and the darkest losses

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tw: death, compassion fatigue, intrusive thoughts, triggers, distress, trauma mention

When Will was finally ready to leave the cabin, Nico strongly wished he'd kept Will inside. Scrawled on the side of the infirmary in red dripping spray paint was "Doctor Death" and it looked like the Apollo cabin had been vandalised too, because Will's siblings were scrubbing the walls and there was red paint all over them. Nico looked to Will, who looked cold. He didn't react at all. He took a deep breath and started to walk to the infirmary, but rumours were already flying everywhere. Getting to the infirmary wasn't much better either. Accusations of "murderer" were written all over Will's paperwork and all over his belongings, including a drawing Nico had done for Will. 

Will was mechanical, methodical, like he'd done this too many times. He barely spoke a word to Nico all day, and when a patient died, Nico expected everything to collapse around him, but Will was blank. He covered up the body like it was nothing, and walked away to the next patient. Nico recognised this as compassion fatigue. Will was so used to death and so exhausted from his several day breakdown that Will was cold and clinical. Another body another day. Nico understood.

Nico understood perfectly.

Nico prepared bodies all the time. At first, the smell is too nauseating, the processes to gross, and the weight of knowing that was once a person too heavy. Now Nico was calm as he sewed the mouth, sucked out bodily fluids, reconstructed limbs, taped parts down and stuffed full of cotton and chemicals. Nico felt nothing but the monotony of process. Nico couldn't feel anymore whilst working, because he'd felt too much, grieved too much, and whilst his thoughts would be solemn and sober, his emotions remained steadily used to not reacting. 

And now Will was experiencing the same apathy. It wasn't because Will didn't care- of course he did, but he had nothing left to give. He no longer had the capacity to feel anything because he'd already exhausted his compassion and bled out in bursts of intense existential dread that left him unable to process the full magnitude of losing another patient. Nico remembered Will, watching Nico prepare a body for the first time, asking how he could remain so calm. Now Will knew his answer. And Nico wished he didn't. Because compassion fatigue didn't come from a place of stability or coping, it came from the exhaustion of barely coping again and again and again. 

Nico waited until after Will's shift- until lunch- and sat with Will alone at the Hades table. "How're you feeling," he asked gently, and Will shrugged.

"I'm fine."

"Fine or not feeling," Nico asked, and Will looked expressionless.

"Not feeling is fine."

"Except it isn't, is it? It may be less distressing than feeling too much, but this-" Nico gestured to Will- "this isn't good, Will. This is not fine."

"I said I'm fine!" Will snapped.

"Don't snap at me," Nico chastised, and Will seemed blank for a second before casting his eyes down, like he hadn't even realised his temper. 

"I'm sorry," he said softly, and Nico reached across the table, placing his hand over Will's.

"You're not okay," Nico said softly, using his other hand to turn Will's so that Nico could lace their fingers together palm to palm and squeeze his hand supportively, rubbing the pad of his thumb over Will's knuckles. "I know you're not okay because you just lost a patient-"

"No, I'm not okay because I felt nothing like a fucking robot!" 

"Exactly, and it's freaking you out and making you irritable. It's normal, Will. Well- it's not normal, but for somebody doing the kind of job you do, it happens. You are not a bad person. You are not broken. You are not suddenly a sociopath. You have compassion fatigue. And that means it's time to take a break, Will. You have to allow yourself the time to recover from all the stress you're under."

"Nico, I didn't feel anything, and it's not the first time. I'm sorry, but it's not. I'm so used to this, so used to death and blood and trauma that I can't physically feel all the time. It just shuts off."

"I know and that's okay," Nico said gently, "it isn't harming any of your patients. It isn't affecting the way you interact with your patients or your decisions for treatment. But it is a sign of your trauma and it's a sign that you aren't coping."

"I don't have trauma," Will replied, and Nico squeezed Will's hand.

"You survived two wars, Will. War is trauma. So is death. You lost patients, friends, brothers and sisters. That's trauma. You've been attacked by monsters. That's trauma. You've faced horrifying injuries from a young age. That's trauma. You're feeling like this because you have trauma. Your trauma is real and valid and it isn't less worthy of help than anyone else's at camp. Just because you were the medic and not the fighter does not mean that you aren't allowed to view what happened to you as trauma. Just because others have it worse does not reduce or negate the validity of your trauma. You aren't broken, you're traumatised." 

"Fuck…" Will said quietly, and Nico noticed he was shaking, so he quickly moved to hug Will tightly. 

"The breakdowns and the anxiety and the apathy and the nightmares are all the effects of your trauma. It's real and it's affecting you. You've been searching for answers as to why you do things or feel things, but you've told yourself that what you've been through wasn't trauma, that you had no right to say you had trauma. But it was and you do. Your trauma is enough." Nico wished he'd heard that personally a lot sooner in his life. Maybe he would have reached out if he believed he'd been through enough to deserve help.

"I can't, I can't have trauma, because then I have to face it… Nico I'm feeling anxious why am I feeling anxious?" Will's whole demeanor had changed, like a switch had been flipped. His expression was so wild and panicked and Nico could see the effort on his face to hide how bad it was.

"What kind of anxious? Anxious as in that sudden sense of dread and overthinking or anxious as in distressed because of things that have happened?" Nico suspected this was more than anxiety. After all, he'd seen Will anxious. He'd seen Will double and triple checking his timetable, pale and trying not to vomit with anxiety, overthinking and panicking. This was not the same. This didn't seem like anxiety. He was badly triggered.

"The- the second one, and- Nico I'm a terrible person, I keep- I keep getting these thoughts about doing bad things-"

"Let me pause you, I promise I'll listen in a sec, let me ask, do you enjoy those thoughts or identify with them or want to act on them in any way, or do they distress you or repulse you or not represent you at all?"

"Second one, but they're my thoughts they're in my head!" Nico knew this all too well. Nico had hated himself, believed he was evil for his thoughts, had tried so hard to distract himself and force the thoughts out, which only made it worse. 

"They're intrusive thoughts, Will. They're yours, yes, but they're triggering, they're not thoughts you're okay with or would act on. They don't make you a bad person. Being okay with or enjoying those thoughts would."

"Nico, why is this happening to me, Nico I don't understand, I'm so anxious what's happening to me why am I panicking?"

"I think you're triggered, Will," Nico said softly, "walk me through what was in your head when you started to feel anxious."

"You were telling me I had trauma and then I started to smell blood and monsters and I starting thinking about Michael dying then I had this thought about how easily I could kill you right now and Nico why am I anxious?"

"You're triggered, this is an effect of your trauma, has this happened before?"

"I'm. Not okay right now, Nico. Help!" 

"Okay," Nico began softly, "do you think you can walk with me to somewhere quiet?"

"I'm scared," Will insisted, "Nico it won't stop I can't stop thinking about it, Nico help me!"

"I'm here," Nico said softly, "I'm with you to guide you through the brightest panic and the darkest losses."

"Nico I can't stop I can't stop being anxious nothing's working!"

"Breathe with me," Nico said quietly, matching Will's ragged breathing pace. It made Nico feel like he was going to pass out, but he slowly lowered the pace. Will lost his focus before Nico was able to help him stabilise his breathing properly, so Nico pulled Will up from his seat and guided him to the bathroom. Will finally allowed the wall of panic to crash down, sobbing hysterically. Nico grabbed a washcloth from the shadows and quickly wet it under the tap, going over Will's face with it and placing it on the back of Will's neck to cool him down. The cold on his face would trigger the diving reflex, bringing his heart rate down. It was a small help, but it was help nonetheless. 

"Nico help," Will pleaded, and Nico again tried to help Will to breathe through it. Will did his best to follow, and whilst it didn't stop him from being triggered, it would certainly stop him from being light headed or passing out. He was pale though, and Nico thought he might throw up. The fact that Will was able to even force himself to follow Nico's advice through his distress strongly suggested that this wasn't Will's first time surviving a trigger. 

"You're going to be okay, Will. You're safe, I'm safe, your siblings are safe, your friends are safe. You're safe, you're going to be okay, you'll get through this, you'll survive this, I'm here, is there anything I can do to help you? Is there anything that you need, any positive triggers? Like uh- the smell of antiseptic! That's a positive trigger for me that can help me through my distress. Or uh- glitter! You like glitter right? Would looking at glittery things help calm you- rough textures! That always helps you!" 

Nico realised he was probably overwhelming Will with too much talking, especially when Will probably didn't know if there were any positive triggers that could help him or not. Nico figured he should try, so he helped Will to sit down on the floor in front of him and pulled some rough carpet swatches from the shadows. Will immediately ran both hands through them rhythmically, rocking. Nico set a steady breathing pace again, and Will followed. Nico knew he couldn't end the trigger, but he could help Will to minimise his distress. 

"How are you feeling," Nico asked softly, and Will shook his head vigorously. "Okay," Nico said softly, "would hugging you help?" Will whimpered and nodded, so Nico held Will as tight as he could, going over his face with the washcloth again. He stayed with Will on the floor for what seemed like forever and Will was exhausted, staring blankly at the wall. 

"Don't let go," Will whimpered, and Nico kissed his temple lightly, stroking his hair back.

"I'm here," Nico promised. "I'm here," he soothed, rocking gently. Will clung to him needily. They just couldn't have any peace, though, because that's when the Ares camper walked in.


	13. I will be the person you can rely on and trust in a world full of thieves and liars

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Very close to the end now!!! 
> 
> Tw: mild violence, homophobia, insults, confrontation.

"Don't start anything," Nico warned the Ares camper, squeezing Will a little tighter protectively.

"Well well well, if it isn't death and doctor death," the camper sneered. 

"I said don't," Nico warned, the lights flickering. 

"Aww, not gonna say anything, doctor death? Are you an itty bitty baby who needs his boyfriend to give cuddles?"

"Shut the fuck up!" Will snapped, and Nico flinched. Nico felt like he was back there with Eros being forced out, only this time he wasn't made to say it, he was accused and mocked and so was Will. Nico felt exposed.

"Or what?" the Ares camper challenged, and Will felt silent. 

"Or I'll send you to Asphodel," Nico warned. The Ares camper snorted. 

"Oh please, you're weak and I could crush you under my boot. Get out."

"I'm not leaving Will here alone with you," Nico warned sternly. 

"I said GET OUT!"

"Wow. I'm so scared. Look at me quaking. Spectacular." Nico resisted the urge to smirk at his own sark, especially because the situation was escalating. 

"Shut up, you pussy!" 

"Are you calling me a cat or a vagina? Because if you're calling me the second one, first off, I'm too gay for that, second off, vaginas are strong because they push out a baby once a month."

"Nico, what exactly do you think a period is?" Will asked quietly in horror. Nico was so proud of his comeback that he forgot that he'd just outed himself. Then quickly realised when the Ares camper shot him a malicious grin.

"So, the son of Hades is a poof, huh?" Will flinched besides Nico, but Nico schooled his features.

"Why, you interested?" Nico folded his arms stand-offishly. 

"You disgust me-"

"Nobody asked for your opinion!" Nico almost snapped his head around at the sound of Will raising his voice, but he didn't feel safe enough to take his eyes away from the Ares camper. 

"Oh, so doctor death speaks then!"

"I've had enough of you harassing us!" Will snapped, gently pushing Nico aside and balling his fists, squaring up to the Ares camper. Nico watched closely- should he need, he'd jump in to prevent Will from getting hurt, but it wasn't his fight, it was Will's fight, and Nico refused to silence or speak over his boyfriend.

"And what're you gonna do? You're pathetic, Solace. You couldn't fight your way out of a paper bag!" He squared up to Will, who merely held his gaze. 

"Don't provoke me," Will warned. 

"Or what?" The Ares camper shoved Will harshly. Nico had never seen Will violent before, but damn that boy could throw a punch. Will punched him full force on the nose, knocking the Ares camper back onto the sinks, disorientated and bleeding heavily. Nico was impressed. 

"Don't even think about it," Will warned as the Ares camper started to stand up. "You've been harassing me and following me and bullying me since I tried to save your sister and I won't tolerate it any more! I'm not the one who stabbed her! I'm not the one who didn't call for help immediately! I'm the one who poured all of his energy into trying to save her! I pour my heart and my soul into every camper's treatment. I was on the floor with my knee in the wound trying to stop the bleeding and giving her chest compressions long after other doctors would have declared her dead! I had to be physically ripped from her body! You know what you are? You're an appendix!" Nico snorted softly in endearment at that insult. "You're an appendix! A useless piece of tissue that's causing me immense pain and would be better off out of here!"

"Is that the best you can come up with?" The Ares camper grinned. Nico smiled to himself. Oh boy could Will be savage.

"Is that the smartest comeback you can muster? I mean, I'm not surprised, given your last brain cell is stored in the micropenis you feel the need to overcompensate for by picking on people you perceive as weaker than you." Nico was so proud. 

"Did you just call me-"

"I'm hope you never have to see a urologist, they'll need a microscope to see your pathetic dick."

"Are you-"

"Do you lack brain cells or do you want me to repeat myself to satisfy your degradation kink?" Nico could not believe Will had just said that. Holy shit. His boyfriend was savage.

"What-"

"You call yourself a man when all you do all day is follow people round being rude? You have the emotional maturity of a toddler who's been given an early bed time. You don't do anything but follow people round harassing and bullying them and all you can come up with is one pathetic insult. You're acting like a baby. So maybe I should talk to you like a baby. Googoo gaga bitch." Will walked out proudly. 

Nico couldn't help his own immaturity. "Oooooooohhhhhh burnnnnnnn!"

"Shut the fuck up, di Angelo!" Technically, Nico thought, people were just ghosts in meat. He used his shushing trick and walked out with a grin, positively smouldering with pride at Will. Will had never stood up for himself before, and Nico couldn't be prouder or any more smug. He wanted to kiss him silly right now. That wasn't his priority though. His priority was making sure that Will was alright. 

Everybody was staring at Will. Probably because he had bloody knuckles, and he was blotchy reddish pink with rage. Will was the most unaggressive demigod Nico had ever met. And he'd just totally bossed his first fight and verbally obliterated his opponent. Nico guided him through the crowds to the strawberry fields, where he gently took Will's bloodied fist and helped him to wipe the blood off, before gently kissing each of Will's grazes. "Beautiful," Nico muttered softly, because Will was always beautiful, even and especially now, when Will was looking down in shame.

"I'm sorry you had to see that," he apologised quietly, "I shouldn't have lost my temper…"

"You're entitled to anger, Will," Nico said gently, squeezing his hand. "You are entitled to get angry and fight back, you are entitled to the right to stand up for yourself. You have nothing to apologise for." Nico needed Will to understand that.

"I was mean… and juvenile..."

"You were provoked, you retaliated. You don't have to be a perfect person all of the time. Heavens knows I'm not. As long as you are constantly trying to be a good person, it's okay if you slip up, and it is more than okay to defend yourself. That's a basic human right, Will. I understand that you've probably spooked yourself, but you've nothing to be sorry for, I promise. Plus that was pretty hot." Will blushed, and Nico considered his little pep talk a success. 

"People suck," Will huffed, "kill them for me?"

Nico laughed lightly, cupping Will's cheek in his hand slowly and swiping his thumb over Will's cheekbone. "I don't think murder is the answer," Nico half joked, before turning serious. "I will be the person you can rely on and trust in a world full of thieves and liars. I promise you that, Will. You can always rely on me." 

"I need you to kiss me," Will said softly, "I need you to kiss me until I forget."

"I can do that," Nico said softly, kissing Will tenderly, like Will was his whole world, because he was, and he needed Will to know that Nico truly wanted him, even the ugly sides that Will liked to bury, like the trauma and the anxiety and the fire of anger that burned bright that day.


	14. I promise to be your Solace in the Darkness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter of this part, just two more to go!!!

"I feel like time's running out, Nico," Will said softly, "I feel like if I don't get everything off my chest now, then I'll never get anything off my chest. I've been at camp for so long, and I've become so disconnected from everybody. I feel like… I'm that guy everyone knows but I'm the guy that gets left out of the Christmas card rounds, you know? Like I'm just there in the background. Like everybody knows me but nobody- knows- me, you know? Everybody sees me as a friendly approachable doctor but nobody sees me as a friend. And even then, I don't think I even am approachable. I'm stubborn and abrasive and I almost never smile anymore. I feel like I've genuinely lost myself, Nico… I barely know who I am anymore, besides the doctor. Doctor death…" 

"Hey…" Nico pulled Will into a soothing hug, "I love you, you're beautiful, you're Will, you're the boy with the most beautiful music when you laugh, you're the boy who giggles like he's free and snorts and wheezes so unattractively because it is who you are, you are Will Solace, and you choose to embrace yourself as you are. You are the boy with the most beautiful constellations for freckles, and when you glow oh so tenderly, you light up my entire heart. You are the boy who is bold enough to stand up for what you believe in but also the boy who is brave enough to admit when he is wrong and learn. You are the boy who burns as bright as a thousand suns when he talks. You are kind, you are selfless, you are talented, you are intelligent, you are beautiful, but above all, you are Will." 

"Oh… my gods…" Will gasped softly, tears brimming. Nico's heart dropped- he'd upset Will. He didn't know what he said or did wrong but Will was crying and it was all his fault- "oh Nico…" 

The words 'I'm sorry' died in Nico's throat, and he closed his eyes in a heartfelt attempt to find the words, but soon warm lips were over his own and the gentle warmth of Will's soft glow was radiating under Nico's skin and embedding itself in Nico's soul. He could kiss Will forever, because it was the only time that he didn't feel cold. "I'm sorry the last few days have been so rough for you, Will," Nico said slowly, "I wish things could be easier for you, and I wish you never had to cry. You look so pretty when you cry but it hurts me so much when you cry. It's like the sun itself has given up and gone out. I want you to be happy, Will, and I know I am not the best at emotions and stuff, but I promise that I love you, and above all, I promise to be your solace in the Darkness." 

"How the hell are you so romantic," Will blushed, and Nico flushed puce.

"I'm… not?"

"Nico, you just- that was romantic! You're so romantic I'm gonna have to stop all the ladies from throwing their bras at you!" Nico wanted to rip his ears out. He prayed to the gods that he never had to touch a bra ever in his life. 

"I think I'll stay in my cabin forever," Nico announced, lip curled up in disgust. Will laughed at his pout, reaching out and patting his head, ruffling his hair. 

"I think I want to maybe come out to camp? I feel like- I'm so friendly all the time but I never tell anyone anything about myself, and… I feel like I'm comfortable enough with who I am to share it with camp." 

"Of course, I'll support you," Nico said gently. "I'm not ready yet, but I won't hold you back. I'll have your back in the event anybody says anything." 

"I love you, Nico," Will said softly, running his fingers up Nico's arm and up to rest against his cheek.

"I love you too," Nico said gently, and Will kissed him. Nico didn't care how long they kissed, but he was eternally grateful for the intimacy he thought he'd never have, and for the fact he got to spend his private time with Will, Kissing a boy senseless because in the privacy of his cabin, homophobia didn't exist. 

"I've been so exhausted recently," Will said softly, "I barely remember the past few days at all… I haven't felt like myself…"

"Are you feeling better now?" Nico squeezed Will's hands supportively whilst he considered his answer.

"I'm feeling better. Not okay, not by a long shot, but… better. Now I can see that I can be okay and that I will get through this."

"That's okay," Nico reassured, "thank you for your honesty, I know you find it hard to admit that you aren't okay, so I'm super proud of you for making me aware."

"Thanks, Neeks…" Will smiled sadly, a pained smile that hurt Nico to see, but it was a genuine one. "I have to work now, okay?" Will brought Nico's hand to his lips, then stood up- or rather stumbled up- and helped Nico to gracefully stand. Nico let go of his hand as they walked though camp, watched Will take a deep breath, and put on the biggest, brightest smile he could muster. He looked and sounded so cheery that it was no wonder everybody assumed him to be okay. 

Nico gave him a lingering kiss on the cheek before heading to training for the day. Unfortunately, Jason and Percy were already in the arena. Jason's whole demeanor changed from serious to excitable in a matter of seconds, running full pelt to embrace Nico. Nico panicked and shadow travelled last minute, but Jason wasn't mad. He merely turned to a startled Nico and held his arms out. Nico awkwardly hugged Jason, avoiding eye contact with Percy at all costs. Things were still a little awkward. Mainly because Percy had questions and Nico was avoiding them. "How have you been," Jason asked, "we haven't seen you in a while, Neeks!"

"Don't call me that," Nico complained, "I've been busy."

"Doing what?" Percy asked, and Nico glared.

"Dying. Decaying. Begging for my early demise. What's it to you?"

"Is that chapstick on your lips?" Of course Jason noticed. Damn Will for his cherry chapstick obsession. Nico bit his lips awkwardly. He could totally lie his way out of this one.

"I like self care," Nico shrugged.

"No offence but your idea of self care is not sleeping for a week," Percy began with a grin, "you totally have a boyfriend."

Play dumb, Nico told himself. "What are boys?" Not that dumb, he told himself.

"Dude!" Jason grinned widely, throwing his arm around Nico's shoulder and squeezing him tightly. "Who is he? Is he a good kisser?"

"Shut up!" Nico hissed, turning puce. 

"Nico's got a boyfriend…? Wait, so-"

"What's confusing you, Percy?" Nico interrupted, the shadows thickening. Nico doubted anything good could come of any questions about his sexuality. 

"Nothing, I just wanted to know if he makes you happy," Percy said cautiously, "I just wanted to know if you're happier now. If you're letting people in instead of… being alone."

"Oh…" Nico hadn't expected that. He'd expected awkward questions about the feelings he used to have for Percy, and calling him cute when he confessed. He didn't expect this. "So you're not like- awkward about the fact I used to like you?"

"I'm kinda used to it after Rachel," Percy shrugged. Did Percy really see Nico's crush the same as he did Rachel's? 

"You're not grossed out because I'm a guy?"

"Of course not," Percy shrugged, "I'm just sorry that your feelings caused you so much pain… I'm sorry I caused you so much pain. I just wanna make sure you don't have to feel like that about yourself again. Also we're totally gonna spy on you to make sure your boyfriend is good for you."

"He's good for me," Nico reassured, before hesitantly adding, "you'd love him."

"You do realise we have to meet him now, right?" Jason smiled.

"No." Nico scowled.

"Who is he?" Percy asked.

"What cabin is he from-"

"NICO!" Oh no. Nico sucked in a breath as Will came running towards him. Percy's last braincell appeared to be having a thought. Jason looked confused. Mainly because he was squinting at Will because he didn't have his glasses on his face. Will caught up to Nico, leaning on his shoulder to catch his breath. "Neeks, I forgot to give you something!"

"Oh…?" Nico was nervous now. Will giggled, blushing and glowing softly, before gently kissing Nico's cheek. 

"A proper goodbye kiss, dummy!" Nico knew he was blushing puce, but he felt safe around Jason and Percy, so he let himself enjoy the way Will giggled oh so musically, and he kissed him softly on the lips. Will let out a soft hum, and Nico had to fight back a whine. 

"I'll make you a lunch," Nico said softly, linking their fingers together, "some pasta. You can reheat it if you have the time, and if not, it tastes good cold too."

"You don't have to…"

"Well I want to," Nico said, kissing Will softly. Kissing Will was intoxicating. "But you should be getting to work. I'll be waiting for you, I promise." Nico kissed his lips again, lingering for a little longer this time.

"I'm gonna sneak off during my break and kiss you silly, Death Boy," Will grinned, and Nico blushed puce. "I don't wanna go, I just wanna spend the day kissing you. Also I came I out by yelling it across camp and now I'm scared and I need protecting."

"Go to work, dummy," Nico smiled, and Will touched their foreheads together. "We have thousands of days left to spend together. We can handle a couple of hours apart here and there."

"Okay," Will huffed, "then lots of kisses and cuddles?"

"I wouldn't want it any other way," Nico beamed, touching their noses together before kissing Will sweetly. Will hummed into the kiss, and Nico missed his touch as soon as Will pulled away. 

"I think I'm gonna be okay," Will said softly, before jogging away. "KISS YOU LATER, DI ANGELO!" Nico blushed furiously.

"FUCK OFF, SOLACE!" Nico knew exactly what was coming next.

"We share a type!" Percy grinned, "we have something in common! Jason, look, we're bonding!"

"He's your boyfriend?" Jason asked, "a son of Apollo?" 

"He's hot," Nico shrugged, "and nice. But… as much as I appreciate that you care, I don't need you to mother me."

"Right, sorry," Jason conceded. 

"Anyway. I'm not here to talk about my boyfriend. I'm here to practice stabbing," Nico announced, drawing his sword from the shadows, "which means time to turn Percy into fishbait!"

By the time Nico had finished training and dropped a fresh batch of pasta off at the infirmary, he desperately needed a shower and some time to himself without people breathing around him, so he took the time to enjoy himself thoroughly, and relax in his cabin. He took a nap, glad to be woken by Will's soft glow and a tender kiss on the forehead. "Hey, sleepyhead," he smiled, "I'm back from work."

"Time for kisses and cuddles then," Nico smiled, and everything felt right. Everything was going to be okay, they were both going to be okay.


	15. I vow, always and forever, the gods as my witness, to be your Solace in the Darkness

"Will," Nico began, huffing a small laugh, "I could never have imagined a life with anybody more annoying." Will snorted and giggled. "But you're good annoying. The kind of annoying that makes me roll my eyes and fall in love with you a little more because you're a dork. I love you, Will… and I choose to keep loving you. You… have helped me through so much- supported me through so much… my ideal partner has always been somebody like sunshine. Somebody who would make me feel warm always and bright. You're that person to me, Will. And you didn't force me out of the closet, you- you turned on that light. You allowed me to see myself in the closet mirror for the first time, you helped me to be comfortable in the safety of the closet until I was ready to open the doors for myself, and you were waiting there for me with open arms and an open heart. I didn't love myself before you. And I was told that you can't love someone if you don't love yourself. I believed that I was incapable of love, but I… gods, I loved you, Will… I loved you with all heart and all my soul. I loved you so much and I still do. I learned to love myself along the way because- because you made me feel wanted, Will. The way you'd hold me, the way you'd whisper to me that it was all okay, the way you'd stand with me in the mirror and kiss every part I said I hated and you'd say how much you loved and cherished and worshipped everything I hated. You helped me to grow as a person and I… I am so… so thankful for you, Will… 

"And I- I know I'm rambling now, but I have so much to say… so much to tell you, so much I need you to know… and so much you already know that I don't need to say. Like I don't need to tell you that I'm faithful. You already know that and we trust each other. I don't have to tell you that I love you, I hope." Nico took a deep breath, smiling widely, and continued. "You saved me, Will. You saved me because you didn't let me slip too far. You couldn't drag me out of the water, but you were always there to keep my head above the water. It's the small things you do for me, like doing my laundry or doing the washing up without me asking, or the way you gently remind me to take my meds. You hold me so close to you, so gently, you sit in silence besides me, you tell me you love me every chance you get.

"But enough about what you do for me. Will, you are beautiful. You are beautiful and talented and funny and kind, and you are selfless and passionate and enthusiastic. Your smile is so natural and your laugh- it's like music! Even- and especially- when you're snorting and wheezing and you have tears streaming and- and snot bubbles! It's so real and raw and that's what makes your laugh so beautiful. Your freckles are like a million tiny suns, like stars, and they're everywhere. And your eyes- gods, your eyes are so kind and compassionate and full of life and so so blue. And you are so so smart. I love how passionate you get, when you start excitedly explaining to me what you've learned. I may not understand half of it, but I promise I'm always listening. What's important to you is always important to me, I promise you that. It's just everything about you, Will… I cherish you so deeply. 

"I vow, always and forever, the gods as my witness, to be your solace in the Darkness." 

"Nico," Will began, "where do I even start?"

"Please gods not a Haiku," Nico interrupted, and the audience laughed lightly.

"Don't worry, no Haikus," Will reassured, starting again. "Nico. Describing what you are to me can be difficult. Calling you my world doesn't seem like enough. You're like a galaxy, or agent nebula, beautiful and full of life. But that doesn't quite explain it either. Calling you my universe makes it sound like I've got no room for anyone else. Calling you all the stars in the sky doesn't even begin to explain just how much you mean to me. But there is one word that explains it perfectly. Home. You are my home, Nico. You're the person who, no matter where I am, I feel like I'm home. Even here, in Italy, So far from the little farm house I called home for years, I feel like I'm home, because I'm with you. I'm not scared to explore the world anymore, Nico, because I'm right here with you. And I'm basically a pigeon. A homing pigeon. I'll always come back home to you, Nico. And you're not just a house. Baby you're a haunted house-"

"I thought we agreed no song references," Nico interrupted, and Will laughed softly.

"Sorry, sorry," he smiled. "Anyway. Nico, I would not be… even half the man I am today if you hadn't have come into my life. You made me realise that… I can't fix everyone. You made me see that I don't owe anyone my happiness, or effort beyond what I'm able to give. You forced me to take breaks, and you made me see that it was okay if I couldn't fix somebody. Before I met you, I was constantly trying to wipe the blood off my hands. You made me see that it was never on my hands in the first place. And you held me and you listened and you were patient with me and you didn't expect any more back from me than you put in. Nico, I am so so grateful, so so thankful, for you. You helped me to set my own boundaries and live my own life.

"And Nico, you are stunning. You're an angel, a beautiful, emo angel. And you're like- really hot. But anyways. I love your dimples when you smile, and I love the way the faint freckles over the bridge of your nose jump up whenever you scrunch your face up. Usually in disgust at my awful singing." Will paused to laugh at himself. "You, Nico di Angelo, are the boy I never imagined would love me back. Bad boy aesthetic with a heart of gold. When we kiss, when you hold me close, when we lay together, it's like I can feel you holding my heart in your hands. As a doctor, I've held a beating heart in my hand more times than I can count. It's such a surreal moment, to have somebody's life in your hands, to hold a heart, to will it to beat again, to be tasked with keeping it beating. I feel like that's what you do for me. It feels like I've given you my heart, and you keep it beating, you keep it safe, you keep it close to your own. Well I've got your heart," Will said, illuminating both of their hearts, "and I promise to keep it safe too.

"I vow, always and forever, the gods as my witness, to be your Solace in the Darkness."

"Do you, Niccolò di Angelo, take thee, William Solace, to be your lawfully wedded husband?"

"I do," Nico replied confidently, unceremoniously shoving the ring onto Will's finger before raising his hand to his lips and gently kissing the ring.

"Do you, William Solace, take thee, Niccolò di Angelo, to be your lawfully wedded husband?"

"I Scooby Dooby Doo," Will grinned.

"I've changed my mind, I want a divorce," Nico groaned, and everybody laughed. Will delicately pushed the ring onto Nico's finger, raising his hand to his lips and softly kissing the ring. 

"In that case, I pronounce thee married! You may now kiss the groom."

Will pulled Nico closer, kissing him hard on the lips. Nico felt like he couldn't breathe, but he didn't want to breathe, ever, not when kissing his husband felt this good, so right. This was the fate Nico was born for. Will never wanted to let Nico go, he wanted to kiss and caress until his lips turned blue and he couldn't anymore, but he didn't have to, not right now. He had forever to kiss his husband. 

"Hi, husband," Nico beamed.

"Hi, husband," Will glowed.

The word husband had never felt so right on their tongues before.


	16. An Old Poem, by William Solace, Aged 14: Solace in the Darkness, quoted from things me and my -boyfriend- husband said to each other in our darkest moments

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter guys!!!

"What're you doing, husband," Will asked softly, kissing Nico's shoulder and wrapping his arms around his waist.

"I found a box," Nico replied, resting his head in the crook of Will's neck for a while, before returning to the box, "I think it's yours."

"Why don't we look through it together," Will suggested, lacing his fingers together with Nico's. Nico smiled softly and turned around. He was playing one of his old records, his joints stiff with age- and by age, he meant thirty. He'd taken to wearing grandpa clothes and fake reading glasses to prove to Will that he was getting old. He was petty like that. He swayed them in time to the music, softly, slowly, tucking himself into Will's arms and burying himself deep into Will's chest. Will held Nico close, resting his cheek on top of Nico's head, breathing in his scent. Will had worked a double shift, followed by an emergency mitral valve replacement, so Nico had indulged in an online gaming marathon. He kinda smelled like a morgue, but Will didn't mind. "What's with all the cuddles?"

"Love you, Will…" Nico replied gently, lifting his head to gaze into his eyes, "love you so much…" 

"I love you too," Will replied, and Nico stood on his tiptoes, kissing Will softly. Will hummed into the kiss, running his hands over Nico's back and pulling him even closer. The kiss was intoxicating, passionate, and full of love, but above all, it was domestic. It felt good, gentle, soft. "Gods, Nico, if you keep kissing me like that I might never stop kissing you."

"I don't ever want you to stop," Nico replied, kissing Will one more time. 

"Do you wanna go through that box now?" Will asked softly, and Nico nodded. He loved Will's cuddling. Will took the box and sat in the armchair, and Nico crawled onto his lap, clinging to him and resting his head on Will's shoulder. Will gently kissed the top of his head, sorting through the box. He stopped at a piece of paper, crossing something out and changing it. Nico smiled softly, silently reading the poem.

"I'll care for you when you can't care for yourself  
I'm here for you to lean on when you can't walk on your own  
I will be the light guiding you through the darkness, if only you'll let me  
I'll look after you when you need a shoulder to cry on  
I'm by your side when times are tough  
I will be there for you when you need my support  
Let me be your Solace in the Darkness

I'll fight in your corner when you can't fight for yourself  
I'm here to be your voice when yours is gone  
I will be the one who dims the lights when they're too bright  
I'll bring the quiet when life is too loud  
I'm with you to guide you through the brightest panic and the darkest losses  
I will be the person you can rely on and trust in a world full of thieves and liars  
I promise to be your Solace in the Darkness

I vow, always and forever, the gods as my witness, to be your Solace in the Darkness. 

An Old Poem, by William Solace, Aged 14: Solace in the Darkness, quoted from things me and my -boyfriend- husband said to each other in our darkest moments."

"I never realised you wrote all this down and made a poem, Will…" Nico smiled gently.

"I forgot I did," Will replied, holding Nico just a tiny bit closer. 

"Gods, I'm so glad I married you…" Nico said quietly.

"The only good decision I ever made was the decision to marry you, Nico," Will said softly, and they were kissing again, and oh, things were perfect.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for all the support you've given me, for everyour kudos, every comment, and every hit. I appreciate you all 💗💜💙


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